The Clumpany hears that Her Majesty The Queen was absolutely delighted that the tribute act of the so-called Queen’s XI secured a draw at Celtic Park today in her honour.
The corgis had a good yap about it too, and have made themselves available to discuss the game on SSB this week, on the basis that they will offer more insight than the usual pundits.
The Queen immediately called for a map of Glasgow and a pad of paper to begin making plans for a state celebration of the winning of this momentous point.
First up would be an open-top unicorn parade through the city centre. The Clumpany knows too little about unicorn anatomy to work out quite how you would make it ‘open-top’, but assumes that it is a crazy monarchy-related thing, and is happy not to probe further. In any sense of the word ‘probe’.
The Red Arrows would be instructed to undertake a series of flypasts over Ibrox to celebrate the draw, taking care not to fly too low for fear of dislodging the rust, or ruffling Baron Bouffant’s immaculate hair.
A 55-gun salute would be fired from the BDO offices. Because it is clearly fantastic news that today’s point has ended Rangers’* chances of adding to ‘their’ record number of league titles.
A military band would play before all of Rangers’* future home fixtures. Her Majesty just needed to decide on which bit of the Rangers* songbook to plunder. Clearly anything likely to offend any part of the the UK’s population or its international partners would be off limits. I understand The Queen has now, therefore, asked her military bands if they have any mime artists available to perform…
Her Majesty then thought about deploying tanks! She knew that the fans would absolutely love that as a way of commemorating their team’s amazing draw at Celtic Park. However, she quickly ruled it out as the sight of a couple of tanks might cause widespread panic that Ally McCoist had returned to manage Rangers*, with Kris Boyd as his assistant. Instead, The Queen decided to send a genuine First World War military bus to Ibrox, which could be parked in the home side’s 18-yard box in lieu of its usual defence.
Finally, Her Majesty decided to present all 12 of The Queen’s Tribute Act Eleven (NB that’s the starting eleven plus Bobby Madden 😉) with an honour. She considered creating an entirely new order of chivalry for them – The Order of the Complete Riddy – but instead settled on British Empire Medals, as they seemed to be an appropriately empty thing for them to subsequently boast about. 😉
Having settled upon a plan to pay tribute to the Rangers* Heroes of Celtic Park, Her Majesty asked a Private Secretary to set up a call with Sevco to discuss it. Having finally got through to someone in authority at Ibrox, and having assuring them that she really was The Queen and not Phil Mac Giolla Bhain doing an impression, the exchange went something like this…
HM: “Before I outline my plans to honour your magnificent achievement in winning a point at Celtic Park, I just need to check one small point of detail which has been bothering me.”
Sevco: “Of course Your Majesty. Anything at all. We are so honoured that you want to recognise our amazing success.”
HM: “With all your wonderful attempts to ‘Go for 55’ and continue the Rangers* success story which stretches back to 1872, I assume that the little difficulty in sending me the club’s taxes has been resolved? One does so love to have the public finances in order before sending in the Red Arrows.”
[*Click* *Dial tone*]
HM: “Hello? Hello? Are you there?”
And so it was that despite The Queen’s determination to applaud the greatest sporting achievement in Scotland for many years, there will be no state celebrations of Sevco’s amazing Parkhead point.
Overexcited players throwing shirts into the crowd, and fans going wild will have to do…