In an absolutely shocking development, someone may have swore at a player at a football match in Glasgow today.
FIFA, UEFA and the SFA are now planning to meet in a emergency summit with the SPFL to discuss this unprecedented turn of events, and to find a way to stop the alleged behaviour from ever happening again.
A FIFA spokesperson said “This is appalling. We cannot have the beautiful game sullied in this manner. Fans around the world need to know that they can attend football matches without hearing swear words.”
UEFA commented that “Only the most pure of utterances should be heard in stadiums. We will be pressing for rule changes whereby teams will be expelled from football if fans do not offer regular compliments to opposition players.”
The SFA added, “We are in a state of complete shock and ask the football family to pray for those affected by today’s alleged swearing. Players in Scotland are used to the highest standards of fan behaviour, and usually hear comments or chants that consist solely of lines from Rabbie Burns, Shakespeare, or The Dave Clark Five.”
Sources close to the Procuator Fiscal suggest that the most severe sanctions will be sought against the perpetrator of today’s alleged misdeeds. When asked what sort of punishment might be on the cards, our source asked if we had seen what happens to Alex in A Clockwork Orange.
Police Scotland have not asked for help with their inquiries. However, the Daily Record has taken it upon itself to splash a young ballgirl across its website and Twitter feeds. Because what is clearly needed in the calm and relaxed atmosphere of Scottish football – where zoomers publish people’s personal details, and where folk receive threats – is for a national newspaper to point the finger at someone for allegedly swearing at a Sevco player.
Is this news?
Is it in the public interest to publish it?
Is it a remotely ‘responsible’ thing to do?
If their answer to any of those last three questions is ‘yes’, then they need to take a long hard look at themselves.
NB For the avolidance if doubt, I would say the same about any outlet publishing something similar…