Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

St Pedro Of The Blessed Paperwork


Good Morning.

The Clumpany fears that it may have to let its long-standing Spiritual Advisor @FrPaulStone go. Because there is a new miracle worker on the block! And his deeds – which no one has ever heard of until today’s Daily Record was published – are truly legendary. 

I speak of ‘Paperwork’ Pedro Caixinha, who is set to become the new Sevco manager. Who knows, if he continues with his miracles he could progress from being ‘legendary’ to become truly ‘legnedary’ like Saint Cardigan of the now sadly-lost city of Rangersville.

I certainly fancy him to outdo Saint Warbo of City Traderville, whose Miracle of the Petrofac Cup, and Miracle of the ‘Holy Smoke! Did I Actually Resign?’ are already fading from the memories of his once-faithful flock.

The Clumpany must admit that when it clicked on the Daily Record to survey the inevitable Caixinha-related guff this morning, it didn’t expect to read of miraculous deeds. But lo! There they were. Courtesy of Gary Ralston, who turns up all sorts of nonsense on his continuing odyssey to find his Lost Relationship With Rangers.

Here is the full ‘story’ in all its unconvincing ‘glory’. And below are some key extracts:

The next Rangers* boss took control of CD Beja’s youth team and his miracle work helped establish his reputation in Portugal says mentor Carlos Sanina.

Pedro Caixinha had just graduated from university and was a young coach with a grand plan.

A friend of his father’s stepped in to offer him a job coaching local schoolkids – and the rest is history.

Carlos Sanina is beaming with pride his protege’s hard work and determination has paid off after he accepted his biggest challenge yet, to restore the fortunes of Rangers.

Sanina was president of CD Beja, Caixinha’s hometown club, when the new Ibrox boss returned home in 1999 after earning his degree in physical education at Trás os Montes and Alto Douro University in Vila Real, in the north of Portugal.
Sanina quickly realised they had a coach of potential when he took his group of 12 and 13-year-olds on an unbeaten run of more than 20 matches.

In the end, the minnow club were only pipped for the national title by the mighty Benfica, but Caixinha’s work had been noticed throughout the Portuguese game.
“The youth football department of CD Beja was run by a group of men called ‘The Dads’ and they decided to bring in a young coach with fresh blood and ideas to coach their youngsters.

“Pedro’s references were the best we’d seen and I was mandated by the group to interview him before inviting him to take over the team. Pedro was exceptional. He accepted our offer immediately.

“At that level, CD Beja was seen as a club with a poor youth structure but in his first year they achieved the unprecedented feat of going 24 games without defeat in the National youth championships.

“In the end, we only lost out on the title to Benfica. Pedro was an individual with an above-average reputation among coaches in the region, even then.

“I still remember Pedro filmed the games against Benfica and after they lost he told the kids – remember, they were only 12 and 13-years-old – they were going to watch a movie.

“Everyone thought it would be an animated film or some family adventure. Instead he did something unprecedented at that time and for this level, of showing the action from the games and explaining some of the mistakes they had made against Benfica. The players were open-mouthed.

“The training was something very different and important for our players and contributed a lot to the sporting, cultural and emotional evolution of our kids.

“The four years he spent at the club were an eye-opener, revolutionary, and also helped to set the standards for the coach Pedro has become today.”

Yes. He made a team of 12 and 13-year-olds a lot better by bringing new and innovative methods into their coaching regime.

Twelve and thirteen-year-olds.

PRAISE THE LORD for this miracle!

Sadly, the miraculous deeds do not appear to have extended to a sustained record of winning major trophies as a manager or assistant at senior level.

St Pedro was an assistant at Sporting Lisbon when they finished as runners-up in the 2005 UEFA Cup final, and he won a couple of trophies in Mexico. But he seems to have led a largely nomadic and short-tenure managerial existence over the years in Greece, Portugal, Saudi Arabia, Romania, Mexico and Qatar.

The Clumpany wonders what other wonders St Pedro of the Blessed Paperwork might perform as Sevco manager. I will be keeping an eye out for the following:

  • Turning his CV into the greatest of any manager ever, harnessing the power of prayer, but more likely the revisionism of the Daily Record and Evening Shark-Jump.
  • Reducing the press pack to fawning, uncritical lickspittles who faint at the inspirational power of his teachings at press conferences.
  • Refereeing decisions miraculously going Sevco’s way. Game after game.
  • The Miracle of the ‘Added Time When Sevco Are A Goal Down’.
  • Using his powers to strike journalists and broadcasters completely deaf when The Billy Boys is being sung.
  • Open-air preaching to 50,000 adherents. Although the venue will be randomly chosen, this will completely accidentally always take place at Ibrox on the day of Cup matches…

Let us wish Saint Pedro of the Blessed Paperwork well as he embarks upon his latest missionary work.

Fortunately for him, the Church of Sevconia is well funded and he won’t have to rely on handouts to survive from month to month. 

#KeepOnClumping

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