The Clumpany has seen reports about Paperwork Pedro being delighted to join an entity claiming to be the late Rangers FC today. It has come to my attention that there were a number of ‘misprints’ in the articles, and I am pleased to be able to publish an entirely fictitious ‘corrected’ version.
Pedro Caixinha vows to try and work out ‘how the hell this has happened to him’
New manager Pedro Caixinha muttered something about “putting a Rangers-themed team on the park, and hopefully winning the odd game”, while he tries to understand how on Earth he found himself as “ringmaster of a circus thousands of miles away from Qatar”.
His remarks came after signing a three-year deal with something called an ‘engine room subsidiary’, which does not exist in the Middle East, and which could not be explained by searching on Google.
The 46-year-old Portuguese coach arrived at Glasgow Airport and immediately wondered whether he was a modern-day equivalent of Patrick McGoohan’s ‘Number 6’ character in The Prisoner.
As well as snubbing the waiting media, who had been ordered by Jim Traynor to go there with chocolates, flowers and inane questions, Caixinha also ignored the fans who had turned up to check whether his appointment was actually a practical joke by Timmy.
Following a high-speed journey designed to allow no time to rethink his position or read anything about Rangers* on social media, Caixinha was was announced as the Light Blues’ new boss ahead of Sunday’s clash with Celtic.
After completing the inexplicable switch from Qatari side Al Gharafa, Caixinha told Rangers’* official website:
“What in the name of all that is Holy am I doing here? Who are you, who am I, what’s going on, and why is there water dripping in through the roof? What? Oh yes, I can read your handwriting. Or course… it… is…a… great honour to join… what does this say? Oh yes! ‘Rangers Football Club’. Hang on, didn’t they… in 2012… oh, I’m not allowed to say that, am I?”
“This traditionally historical club has a great history and tradition of history and other traditional things. I came through the door and almost felt claustrophobic because of all the history crowding around me. History everywhere! History, history, beautiful history. As wonderful as the morning dew on a summer’s day. As sweet-smelling as a rose. Look, can I just say ‘history’ once and be done with it?”
“I am proud to follow in the footsteps of… legendary Rangers managers like… Walter Smith, Graeme Souness and Jock Wallace. Hold on, what have they got to do with this job? Surely it’s Ally McCoist, Kenny McDowall, Stuart McCall and that other one who apparently shouldn’t be mentioned? The one with the ‘besmirched’ sidekick…”
“Rangers is a name that is known worldwide according to this piece of paper in front of me. And bizarrely, that world is one place where I haven’t previously had a managerial job! It’s a funny old world isn’t it? No, not the one where Rangers are apparently well-known. I can’t comment on that world because I have never been there. I meant this world. The one where I am now somehow managing… oh you know what I mean…”
“I am looking forward to forging a positive relationship with supporters – especially as I have been told I will be the only person in Scotland ever to have managed to pull off that miracle. I am also eagerly awaiting the opportunity to meet the playing squad, if it turns out that we actually have one. Oh, by the way, does anyone know when I will meet King Chairman? Why are you laughing at me? Stop it! Of course I want to meet our royal leader”.
“I know there is a lot of hard work ahead, and I assure our fans that I will do all I can to work out how I got here and whether I would be in my right mind to stay. I can’t promise a winning team or indeed anything resembling actual football, but I can promise entertainment. Because I am told that’s how things always roll around here.”
What could possibly go wrong?
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…