Europa League, Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Massive Football News From Qatar

Good Evening.

The Clumpany was mightily impressed that noted reporters of the Offshore Game report, STV, were able to bring us exciting news of Qatari second-team football this morning. That’s some going!

While most media outlets satisfy themselves with covering their own domestic football, some European competition, and the occasional international game, STV went for the big one and reported that Al-Gharafa’s reserves had beaten Umm Salal 10-1.

Fair play to all involved for going the extra several-thousand miles to bring us the outcome of a fixture that had caused all of us so many sleepless nights.

Of course, we all know that the only reason this particular result made its way on to our timelines is because the manager of Al-Gharafa is none other than Pedro Caixinha, who is apprently Sevconia-bound to become the new manager of the Galaxy’s greatest circus.

Far be it from me to mock (oh, go on then…) but where will this scramble for Caixinha footballing minutiae end? My money is on one of the mainstream outlets discovering that Caixinha once had a Subbuteo set, and then profiling the wee plastic players to get an insight into what an amaxing manager he is. Here are some possible ‘stories’ to look out for:

  • The Captain tells the inspirational tale of how he went from standing around doing nothing on a table to standing around doing nothing on a table holding a little trophy Caixinha had made out of Kit-Kat wrapper foil.
  • The defenders recount Caixinha’s tactical genius in determining formations to suit any occasion. On one occasion he balanced them in a line on a sleeping cat’s head for a laugh. Another time they doubled as the French army at a recreation of the battle of Waterloo.
  • The midfielders explain how Caixinha always liked to play a pressing game, and would iron the playing surface before each match.
  • The centre forward weeps at the memory how Caixinha personally saved his career after his legs were shattered in a freak chewed-by-the-dog accident. “What that man doesn’t know about human kindness, matchsticks and glue isn’t worth knowing”, says the striker.

And finally…

  • The goalkeeper speaks of how being permanently-attached to a long plastic lever never did HIM any harm under Caixinha.

I am sure Wes Foderingham will really look forward to that method being introduced at Sevco… 😉


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