Sevco News: Huge If True

Good Afternoon.

The Clumpany has just been handed a completely fictitious article about Sevco’s search for a new manager, which won’t be appearing in a newspaper any time soon…

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Exclusive: we have no news about Pedro Caixinha moving to Rangers*

In a shock development which promises to rock Scottish football to its foundations, absolutely nothing has happened in Rangers’* search for a new manager. Exciting names have not been bandied about, and large sums have not changed hands in their efforts to recruit a top-drawer figurehead to run the Ibrox side.

Sources close to the inaction in Qatar have revealed the latest remarkable non-developments in the board’s attempts to swoop for Pedro Caixinha. The Daily Piss-Take understands that in a move certain to stun Rangers* fans, Caixinha has not reached agreement to move to Scotland. Nor have his employers agreed to release him. It is also understood that there are no plans for him to jet in, jet out, or indeed shake-it-all-about in pursuit of his non-existent dream to manage the world’s most successful club*.

Our source said “Thanks for agreeing to reverse the charges on this call. Yes, this is amazing news. No one in Qatar has been this blissfully unaware of  substance-free chat in Scotland in a very long time. The non-excitement about the lack of a move is something to behold. People on street corners are literally not giving a toss about it, and are not even bothering to ask ‘Pedro who?’ and ‘Rangers what?'”.

Ibrox insiders confirmed to the Daily Piss-Take that the momentum of inertia could see a managerial appointment not being made as soon as tomorrow, with Graeme Murty remaining as acting manager until the end of time, or until a suitable disguise for Barry Ferguson can be found.

“This ‘not-appointing a manager’ is creating a real buzz around the club*.” said the insider. “It’s a real statement of intent about our future strategy. We utter a huge amount of empty rhetoric, get blanket coverage in the papers and on the TV and radio, but don’t actually do anything. Caixinha not arriving fits perfectly with our preparations and plans. We haven’t got much money to pay compensation, the manager’s office hasn’t been cleared out since Warbo resigned*, and there is no substantial transfer budget, so we are absolutely prepared for Caixinha not to be here.”

A delighted Rangers* fan chief backed the club’s* approach, saying “This historic, history-laden institution/club thing needs to get back to where it belongs. Sickening bloggers. Lies. Peter Lawwell. Mike Ashley. Etc etc etc. The board’s non-strategy to not recruit a new manager is absolutely fantastic. I’m entirely comfortable with everyone running around like headless chickens. In fact, I feel completely at home with it.  However, I think I could do it a little better with a club* tie and blazer on. Could you put in a good word in for me?”

In tomorrow’s paper: “Tumbleweed – could it manage Rangers* to Champions League glory?”

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