Celtic, Media, Satire, Scottish Football

“Celtic Are Shite”


Good Evening.

The Clumpany had completely forgotten about Jason Cundy until he popped up on my Twitter timeline recently. He was taking an extensive pop at Scottish football and Celtic for… well, I am not quite sure why…

Following Celtic’s 4-0 win over ICT, he had this to say

“The standard is shocking, it’s embarrassing as the league table will show you that. It’s an appalling league. I think they would be scrapping down the bottom [of the English Premier League]. I can’t see them anywhere near the top half of the table.

Mid to bottom half is the best I could give them. They are a very similar level to Stoke, I think Stoke would end up beating them.”

When asked about Cundy’s comments, Brendan Rodgers put them into some sort of context and dismissed them out of hand:

“I know Jason, I worked with him at Chelsea so I know what he is like. He obviously has to create a programme which stimulates conversation. It is ignorance really, with all due respect. It’s a lack of knowledge of football. The footballing world is more than the Premier League.”

“We all want to see and we all love the Premier League and I was involved in it and it is a fantastic league but football is global and of course a club like Celtic is one of the biggest in the world.”

And Alan Brazil tore Cundy the proverbial ‘new one’ in a Sunday Post column (yes, the Sunday Post still exists…):

Alan Brazil: Jason Cundy is just an ignorant balloon

I vaguely remember Mr Cundy attempting to kick a ball on a football pitch once upon a time, and for holding the rare distinction of seeming like an ex-pro before he had actually stopped playing. 😉

It’s good to know that he is thriving in the rarefied intellectual confines of talkSPORT, a station which is to insight what Sevco is to Champions League football. His ‘act’ (for surely no one could be like that for real), which spills across to Twitter, seems to be to say that things are either good, or they are bad. And sometimes he might say that various fans are deluded. He also uses a lot of ‘crying with laughter’ emojis, which coincidentally were a great favourite with ancient Greek philosophers.

In general, his punditry doesn’t seem to have much to do with wit, analysis or even good old fashioned ‘banter’.  Here are just a few hilarious samples of his wisdom:

The lesson to take from all of this seems to be that if you are seeking revelatory  insights, you might be better off climbing into your wheelie bin for a few days than engaging with Mr Cundy. If nothing else, you may find better use of punctuation in there.

I could be wrong, but Mr Cundy’s ‘beef’ with Celtic Football Club seems to be that it is [*gasp*] Celtic Football Club. This is clearly an outrageous state of affairs. The fact that Celtic also happen to be successful – both in terms of domestic football, and (to a more limited degree recently) in Europe  – also seems to be an aggravating factor.

To be fair, Mr Cundy says that there is no ill-feeling, and he is just expressing his opinion:

My favourite bit of insight to froth forth from him in recent times was his sneering claim that Stoke City are a better-supported club than Celtic because … err… they have more Twitter followers.

Yes. More Twitter followers.


Presumably this was meant to be a lighthearted knockabout ‘insult’ (and there is nothing wrong with that), but it appears representative of the sort of guff to which he often treats us.

Quite how this stuff passes for paid, showpiece punditry is beyond me. It is light years from the genuine insight and barbed comments offered by Chris Sutton, who is becoming something of a master of his chosen field. Frankly, it is like going into a pub wearing a Celtic shirt and the bloke at the end of the bar piping up every few minutes to try and goad you into an argument. You know the sort of thing:

“Oi mate! Celtic are sh*t.”

“Yeah, they’re sh*t.”

“They play in a pub league.”

“It’s an embarrassment to football to see them in the Champions League, mate.”

“I wouldn’t cross the street to see them play.”

“European Cup? Do me a favour. No one played in it when it was in black and white.”

“The Premier League. That’s what it’s all about mate. Not your sh*t Celtic, playing pub teams.”

“My nan could get in the Celtic team.”

“Sh*t. That’s what Celtic are. Have you seen how many Twitter followers they’ve got? They’re a Myspace outfit.”

“My nan’s dog has got more Twitter followers than Celtic, and she hasn’t even got a dog. She’s got a cat. Lovely cat. Lovelier than Celtic.”

“Best fans in the world? Leave it out! I’ve seen more life in a morgue. They’re a pub team mate. A pub side. A. PUB. OUTFIT. ‘Dog and Duck United’, that’s who Celtic are.”

“When Celtic play in the Premier League, then we’ll talk about whether they are any good. What a load of hooped horsesh*t.”

The Clumpany fears that this ‘shock jock’ approach to punditry, which basically turns human beings into walking, talking clickbait is, unfortunately, here to stay.

My tip is to recognise it for what it is – complete and utter shite.

And mock it whenever its stench interrupts your day.

#KeepOnClumping