Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco, SPFL

Giving Up Rangers* For Lent

Good Afternoon.

Word reaches Clumpany Towers that as part of their ongoing mission to live in peace, harmony and solidarity with the rest of Scottish football, and in an attempt to rescue their season, Sevco have been thinking of making a huge sacrifice. A sacrifice which would be difficult and painful.

They are thinking of giving up pretending to be Rangers for Lent! Chocolate, alcohol and the issuing of lengthy Moon-howling statements were all considered for the ‘self-denial’ treatment, but ruled out as being impractical.

A Sevco source told The Clumpany, “Have you see the state of us? Third in the league, out of one Cup, without a manager or chief scout, with a temporary guy in charge who looks less happy and ‘in control’  than Kenny McDowall did.”

The source continued, “Europe could be slipping away from us, we are surviving on loans from directors, the fans swallowed the ‘Going for 55’ pish and have unrealistic expectations, the media makes things worse by treating us as if we are Rangers and should be winning everything overseen by a manager who wants to be paid in actual cash”.

Before I could get a word in edgeways the source pressed on with his tale of woe. 

“…And then there are the legal disputes with Mike Ashley and probably Warburton, Weir and McParland too. And the Supreme Court will soon consider the Big Tax Case which could lead to calls for the stripping of our [sic] titles.”

I was just about to ask a question, but it turned out that my source hadn’t finished. 

“And there’s barely any sign of Dave King. You are more likely to see Paul Murray having his beautiful hair shaved off by a razor-wielding kangaroo than you are to see King at a match. There’s not a lot of leadership in evidence.”

My source paused, and I thought he had finished, but no… 

“And have you seen the state of the playing squad? Bloody hell they’re crap. Miller and Foderingham are OK but the rest of them, would lose over 90 minutes to a Subbuteo team. WHAT AN ABSOLUTE F*CKING CLUSTERF*CK! There, I’ve finished now.”

Having had a lie down, the source went on to explain that Sevco had prepared an emergency strategy to try and alleviate the crisis.

“It’s a great plan. We simply stop pretending to be Rangers for Lent. Can you imagine how that’s going to transform things for us? No unrealistic expectations of global conquest or massive expenditure. No pressure to win every game. A recognition that the team is piss-poor and that any win is a bonus. No stupid stories in the press. A chance to recruit a manager appropriate to our means and WITHOUT having to pretend he’s a world-beater, thus allowing us to manage fans’ expectations. And an opportunity to say with no word of a lie or hypocrisy that the Supreme Court hearing on the Big Tax Case has absolutely nothing to do with us!”.

“The period from now until the end of Lent could be absolutely fantastic for this club. It could get us back on an even keel and give us the chance to plan for a truly sustainable  future.”

I remarked to my source that this plan sounded sensible and potentially liberating, and asked him if it the ‘club’ was likely to implement it?

“F*ck no!” he said. “For we are the People!” 😉


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…