Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

The Radio Pundit’s Day Off

Good Afternoon.

The Clumpany believes that Scotland has the finest sports radio shows in all of Scotland. 

However, on occasion, I can’t help but think that they are a little too keen on having Rangers or Sevco-related guests on the shows. Their thinking seems to be that nothing previews Patrick Thistle v ICT quite like a good discussion about how many ties Walter Smith used to keep in the manager’s office at No-Longer-Murray Park. And sometimes it seems as though Rangers’ participation in the 2008 UEFA Cup final has lessons for the whole of humanity as well as Scottish football, no matter how apparently-unrelated the topical issue at hand seems to be.

Unless of course the issue is law and order on the streets of North West England.

I am not the only ethereal entity or human being who holds a similar view about the apparent Ibrox-centric output of various radio programmes (and yes I know I am a massive hypocrite for mocking someone-else’s fixation with Rangers and Sevco…). So when I found myself wondering whether the radio presenters’ relentless Ibrox focus extends to their lives away from the studio, I thought that I ought to share my Buckie-addled musings….

I can imagine one or more of our esteemed frontmen being confronted by a leaking pipe at home. With water streaming though the ceiling, they would make a series of calls without managing to find anyone to fix it. And when their other half subsequently stood in the rising flood and yelled “WTF are you playing at? Are all the plumbers busy?” the pundit would explain that no former Rangers* player was available to come round and give his views on how the water might affect the battle for second place in the Premiership, so they would have to manage without.

Another presenter no doubt likes to keep a few seats in their living room and dining room free in the hope that some ex-Rangers* men are able to take up the standing invitation to come round and share a few anecdotes about how Paul le Guen could never follow the plotlines of Eastenders. Picture the scene: a dining table which seats six, the presenter sitting at the head of the table, and their family sitting on the floor, leaving five empty seats for the Rangers* men. Night after night. 😉

Heading off on holiday, another presenter possibly refuses to allow the family in the car as he has asked a few former Rangers* stars to share the journey and explain how it reminds them of Rangers’* recovery from demotion* to the Third Division. Regardless of whether the ex-pros are actually able to make it, I am sure the family wouldn’t mind walking. Again.

Going to see a gig could be an expensive business for the presenters. After all, they have to buy tickets for a whole row of seats just in case ex-Rangers* stars accept the invitation to come along and offer their incisive views on whether Bruce Springsteen can play a part in getting the Ibrox club to the Europa League group stages.

And as for a trip to the supermarket, imagine the scenes as our intrepid radio heroes argue the toss with the staff about the lack of a dedicated ‘Presenter and Rangers* Hero’ parking space:

Staff: “I’m sorry Sir, but we only have reserved spaces for disabled drivers and for ‘parent and child’ shoppers”.

Presenter: “But what if I’ve got a former Rangers* player with me to analyse how winning nine-in-a-row should inform my choice of baked bean brands?”

Staff: “Sir, you don’t have anyone with you. Least of all an ex-footballer.”

Presenter: “But I have a lot to pack into my shopping hour, and I always hope to get a Rangers* man along to give his views.”

Staff: “You really don’t have anyone with you, Sir. And anyway, even if you did, unless they meet the criteria for our special parking areas, you would still have to park in a normal space.”

Presenter: “This is outrageous! You mean you would inconvenience some of the finest footballers ever to play in Scotland? And create a risk that they might not be in peak pundit form? Which could mean that they forget to mention how supermarket loyalty cards helped Rangers* to win the Cup Winners’ Cup. Which would mean that I wouldn’t then be reminded to use my loyalty card. Which would mean that I miss out on points, and you have an even more unhappy shopper on your hands. What sort of madness is this?!” 


Maybe they are better off staying in the studio? 😉


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…