Celtic, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Celtic’s Yurt Hurt

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Celtic’s Yurt Hurt As Gers* Unveil In-Tents Growth Plans

By A. Premier-Inn

Rangers* last night stole a march on their Old Firm rivals Celtic by unveiling plans for a spectacular new accommodation, museum and leisure facility alongside Ibrox.

The state-of-the-art complex, which could be completed as soon as the wind drops, promises to be a real money-spinner for the Light Blues. In fact it looks set to completely bridge the financial gap with Brendan Rodgers’ side, who have reaped the benefits of Champions League participation, and who have unveiled their own mediocre plans to open a so-called ‘hotel’.

The ‘Same Club’ Yurt will be erected on a patch of wasteland outside Ibrox and will sleep up to two people as well as being available to hire for meetings and… err… stuff.

A jacuzzi, sauna, and massive TV will all be available, although not in the Yurt. You’ll need to make your own arrangements. A swimming pool will be open for the private use of guests on days when the adjacent potholes have filled up with rainwater.

Hot and cold water will be available on hot and cold days respectively, and fresh straw will be laid on the floor twice-yearly, guaranteeing a perfect night’s sleep for any lost farm animals. Breakfast will be provided at no additional expense, provided that guests like the taste of sparrow and have quick hands.

A stay at the ‘Same Club’ Yurt will include complimentary admission* to the Glasgow Rust Museum [* not available on matchdays as the ground will be busy].

Prices for a night in the Yurt can be calculated by referring to the magnitude of the ‘going concern’ warning in the same club’s accounts. No discounts, refunds or hope can be offered.

Asked about the ‘Same Club’ Yurt, a Rangers* spokesman said “These rumours that it’s not an actual Yurt but a few old pieces of tarpaulin are absolutely outrageous. Rangers* are a cosmopolitan club with global connections. This is clearly the biggest and most successful Yurt in the entire history of Yurtdom. This is going to win us the Champions League and put Celtic back in the shade. Would you like to watch a clip on our website which shows you what it’s like inside the Yurt? It will only cost you 99p”.

Celtic declined to comment on the story, but a spokesman gave us a picture of Peter Lawwell polishing a solid gold model of the planned Parkhead hotel.

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