Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

To The Moon, With Derek Johnstone 

Good Evening.

The Clumpany has been passed a copy of a completely fictitious Derek Johnstone column, which won’t be appearing in a newspaper anytime soon.


Rangers’* Off-World Ambitions Are Good News For Rangers*

Rangers* are going to have some training sessions on the Moon. I think it will be good for Rangers*. It may also be a good advert for Scottish football, but that’s just a bonus and I hope everyone will appreciate what Rangers* are doing for our game. 

Graeme Murty may be new to first-team management, but I know from people at the club that he’s been attaching feathers to his locker at Murray Park. And if all the players hang on to it, it can fly them to the Moon. It will be great for Rangers* and a sign that this board knows what it is doing.

The players will get a real lift from it. When you come to a club like Rangers* and you show the ambition demanded by a club like Rangers* the sky’s the limit. Although not this time, as the Moon will be the limit. 

I’m told that Graeme will have no trouble getting his locker and the players into space because the board have put in place the sort of top-quality preparation you would expect at a club like Rangers*. There will be no gravity holding the locker back, and space will be full of oxygen. That’s what happens when you have Real Rangers* Men investing in the club.

Rangers* might be third in the league, but a club like Rangers* won’t settle for that, and the trip to the Moon will help them kick on during the rest of the season. I don’t see Aberdeen and Hearts making plans to play on another world. 

It’s bad news for Celtic too, to see a club like Rangers* going into space. Peter Lawwell and Brendan Rodgers might have good contacts and money to spend, but they’ve got the laws of physics holding them back. They also don’t have any glue to stick feathers to a locker, because the people who believe what I write in this column have bought it all to sniff.

The Moon trip is the sort of money-spinner that a club like Rangers* ought to be lining up on a regular basis. The board will rake in the profits. Mike Ashley’s contracts can be ripped up on the Moon. So all the Rangers* fans living up there can buy Rangers* shirts and know that every single Moon penny is going straight to the club.

This is an exciting time to be a fan of a club like Rangers*. Mark Warburton wouldn’t have got us to the Moon. He set his sights too low to be a successful manager of a club like Rangers*. It’s good that he asked* to leave.

Sadly, I won’t be able to go on the club trip to the Moon. I’ve got to be on Superscoreboard that night. But I’ll be backing Rangers* from the studio by howling at the Moon. Like I always do.

Thanks @sneckietim!


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…