Media, Scottish Football, Sevco

Magic Corn Flakes

Good Evening.

Once again The Clumpany has to bow before the might of the Evening Shark-Jump. No matter how bleak things might be, it can ALWAYS find a positive Sevco story, even from the most unlikely of source material.

This time it was the turn of goalkeeper Jak Alnwick, who recently joined Sevco following the world’s most expensive £250k transfer from top La Liga side Real Port Vale. 

The transfer went through just over two weeks ago. You would have thought that would be a period during which he would mainly settle in and familiarise himself with his new surroundings.

But no…

Yes, he’s already a better goalkeeper as a result of being at Sevco for two-and-a-half weeks, and despite having made no first team appearances in that time.

How can that be?

Does the legendary world class breakfast at No-Longer-Murray Park have magical properties which instantly make you a better player? In which case you have to wonder why it hasn’t worked on the rest of the Sevco squad…

A few munches on a cardboard bowl of magical supermarket own-brand corn flakes  swimming in tap water, and voila! You are suddenly a Ballon d’Or contender…

Yum! [Thanks @sneckietim!]

Maybe Alnwick has also found that the overcooked bacon doubles as goalkeeping gloves which are incapable of dropping a ball?


The article suggests that Alnwick is a better player by virtue of the training regime and general environment at Sevco:

“JAK ALNWICK reckons he has already improved his game since moving to Ibrox – despite having not yet made his Rangers bow.”

“But Alnwick believes he is reaping the rewards of working at Auchenhowie on a daily basis as he bids to force his way into the Gers starting line-up.

He said: “I would say the training is more intense than what I have been used to, no disrespect to Port Vale’s players but we have a better quality here and they have been at the top top level for a long time.

“The intensity is always good where in the lower leagues it is a lot about fighting and scrapping and everyone to their own but the intensity and the quality is a lot better.

“The part we want to play as keepers here is massive and a lot of it is about possession football and we do do a good balance.

“That is only good because sometimes as keepers you feel a bit left out of the team and it’s a case of us over there and the rest of the squad over here but here everyone is together and it is nice.

“No matter where I have been I have sensed myself improving throughout my whole career and here is another big step.”

I am not sure where he got the  impression that Sevco and its players “have been at the top top level for a long time.” Maybe he watched an old Rangers DVD and got confused? It’s easily done. Although with that level of accuracy and insight he ought to be careful that he doesn’t find himself being kidnapped to write a weekly column in the Scottish sports pages.

I’m really not sure that I buy Alnwick’s account of his apparent rapid improvement. A more plausible explanation might be that despite his upbeat words about his new place of work, deep down he knows that he has taken a step down by joining the third-placers, and is therefore a bigger fish in a smaller pond . 😉 

It might also be the case that the Evening Shark-Jump’s patented turd polish has hallucinogenic properties which have simply gone to his head with world record speed.

Either way, I am sure that if Alnwick turns out to be a mediocre goalkeeper for whom £250k was an entirely reasonable price, I am sure that we won’t get to read about it.


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