Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

A Relic From 2012


Good Evening.

The Clumpany has come into possession of a very exciting object which played an integral part in one of the most dramatic incidents in the history of Scottish football. Five years ago today, Rangers Football Club went into administration, and one thing more than any other played a crucial role in the events which then unfolded.

I didn’t go looking for this item, but simply stumbled across it on my travels. However, once I found it I had to have it! I may put it in a museum on public display, because I think that it needs to be seen by the widest possible audience.

You are wondering what ‘it’ is aren’t you?

Well, allow me to explain.

Brace yourself to experience some serious envy.

And please put your wallets away. It is not for sale. Not at ANY price.

Here we go…

The Clumpany is now the proud owner of the axe which separated the Rangers ‘club’ from the Rangers ‘company’!

The high-tech  axe was purchased using sponsorship money Neil Doncaster had attracted to Scottish football

What a fine specimen it is too! I am sure you all remember how on 14 February 2012 Neil Doncaster wielded the Axe of Assertion and separated the ‘club’ and ‘company’ with a single blow. The scenes were truly dramatic! Following the hearing to begin the administration, Duff and Phelps left the Court of Session carrying the ‘club and company’ in a briefcase, whereupon they were met by a very agitated crowd. Following several attempts by Stewart Regan to separate them with a penknife, and the best endeavours of the sports hacks (who lined up tug-of-war style to pull them apart), Neil Doncaster stepped forward with his mighty weapon, and THWACK!

The club and company were separated!

The phone-ins and social media that might were full of euphoric Rangers fans who knew that their ‘club’ was now safe, while gutted fans of other clubs ran away to cry, knowing that Rangers would live to build on their 54 honestly-won titles.

What a wonderful day that was to be a Rangers fan!

The rest, as they say, is history. Unbroken history. Because after the ‘club’ and ‘company’ were split asunder, the ‘club’ was able to continue on serenely, eventually finding its way into the hands of the present glorious regime of Real Rangers Men.

Apparently the ‘company’ went on to do some sort of liquidation thingy, blah, blah, blah. This was accompanied by a soundtrack of bleating creditors, and a few front pages which said things like “RIP Rangers’ Company” in a token and appropriately short-lived gesture of sympathy from the press.

But who cares about that eh? The club survived! And it was all down to Mr Doncaster’s axe, which is now in the possession of yours truly!

I think it will look lovely on display in a new Museum of Rangers’ Survival, where it could sit alongside extensive exhibits paying tribute to the Scottish sports media’s commitment to truth and justice, and the SFA and SPFL’s commitment to good governance.

I just need to find a thimble to house it in.

Happy Administration Day, everybody, and…