Celtic, Satire, Scottish Football

Top Tips For Exposing ‘Dodgy Land Deals’

Good Evening.

The Clumpany is not normally one for offering advice, but today I will make an exception, because I see the ‘Celtic dodgy land deals’ allegations are doing the rounds once again.

To be fair, our concerned friends only want to protect the public purse and are definitely NOT in the business of throwing mud in the hope that some of it will somehow stick to Celtic. Imaginary mud scooped up from the gardens of elves, pixies and goblins. 

No Sir, they simply want to make sure that the taxpayer has not been defrauded in some way, thereby giving Celtic the sort of sporting advantage that we all know doesn’t come from having more money than everyone else…

Bless them. Her Majesty should give them an honour to mark their sterling public-spirited efforts! Perhaps the medals could be made from melted-down staples and paper clips previously attached to dead Rangers’ unpaid invoices and tax demands? 

Anyway, back to the main point of this short blog…. 

Our heroes have a tendency to write blogs which outline in remarkable detail how Celtic, Glasgow City Council, the Pope, the GAA and the cast of Midsomer Murders engaged in an elaborate conspiracy to enable the Scottish champions to acquire land at a knock-down price and thereby facilitate their evil plans to conquer the galaxy. However, I think they really ought to consider a truly creative approach to exposing Celtic and their wicked allies. 

Brace yourselves, because this is cunning!

Clumpany-recommended strategy for exposing Celtic’s dodgy land deals

1) Gather compelling, watertight evidence of wrongdoing.

2) Present it to the relevant authorities – including the police – for consideration.

3) Allow the authorities to consider the issues and determine what action- if any – to take.

4) Sit back and relax in the meantime.

5) Raise money and seek judicial review of the outcome if you disagree with it.

6) Job done.

Now, I know that some folk might struggle with a plan which doesn’t involve using caps lock a lot and howling at the moon every few minutes, but I am sure the hard-pressed British taxpayer will be forever grateful if they manage to behave in a rational manner just this once. 😉