Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Warbo’s Random Shite

Good Evening.

The Clumpany absolutely loved The Warbmeister’s latest round of wibblery when speaking to Sevco TV.

It was was all about how the random nature of football has gone against Sevco.
And it is not the first time he has used the ‘random’ excuse following a poor result:

Sevco 1-3 Random Luck

Mere mortals and ethereal entities such as you and I might expect the reason for the Ibrox side languishing in third place in the league is because they haven’t got a pot to p*ss in, and have been atrocious at playing football for months on end.

But that’s not true as far as Warbo is concerned:

“I think randomness is a big thing.”

“I learned a lot from our previous owner at Brentford. He’s a mathematician and we learned a lot from him in terms of how he looks at games.”

“There were so many random natures that didn’t go our way.”

I assume that “random natures” refers to marauding giraffes, hippos and penguins etc rather than being garbled stream-of-consciousness drivel.

However, let us give the Warbly one the benefit of the doubt and consider some of the ‘random things’ that might have derailed Sevco’s season.

  • Dave King’s warchest accidentally slamming shut, and the Chairman being… errr… completely unable to find the key.
  • The entire Sevco squad being harassed night and day by ‘haters’ who lie in wait and suddenly prop ladders against walls which they have no choice but to walk under.
  • A clowder of Celtic scarf-wearing, Fenian black cats who constantly walk across Warbo’s path.
Thanks @sneckietim!
  • The randomly-discarded banana skins which everyone at Sevco somehow keeps slipping on. And which cause them to fly headlong into mirrors that shatter into a million pieces.
  • Dermot Desmond giving Sevco directors a calendar prior to the start of the season where every day is Friday 13th [Apart from 25 May, obviously…], and every monthly picture is a beaming Brendan Rodgers.
  • Laxitives being added to the world class breakfast at No-Longer-Murray Park, resulting in (quite literally) shite performances all over the pitch.
  • Fifa unexpectedly handicapping Sevco with secret trials of ‘goal-line forcefields’ which have made it impossible for them to score in a number of matches.

And, most randomly of all…

  • Sevco finding themselves playing against full-time professional footballers week-in, week-out for the first time ever.

Who could possibly have predicted that this might prove to be a challenge?