You may have spotted stories in the press about Sevco fans being upset.
This time it is because Barrie McKay – fresh from his £6m non-move to Germany – has apparently been wearing green boots; and Wes Foderingham – who recently celebrated notching up zero England caps – has been sporting green gloves.
Clumpany sources inform me that these stories are not actually accurate, but were run by the press to deflect from a more embarrassing truth. The reality can be exclusively revealed via this fictional unpublished article which will not be appearing in the Daily Piss-Take any time soon…
Rangers* Fans Rage At A New Green Look
The Ibrox faithful have been less than impressed in recent days, because a quick look in the mirror has confirmed that they have gone green.
Rangers* fans have been left raging at the realisation that they have all turned green with envy after Celtic debuted their astonishing kerching-tastic interim financial results.
The Hoops have upset Ibrox devotees with their choice of solvency and long-term sustainability, and CEO Peter Lawwell has compounded matters by donning a pair trousers with “GIRUY! We are rich” emblazoned across his arse. The Light Blue legions have also gone multiple shades of green and booed repeatedly at their dismal league form, which has seen them fall 27 points behind their [*cough cough cough*] rivals.
Judging by a deluge of comments on social media, the Gers* fanbase remains less than amused at having to sport their new green complexion, and just for a change, everyone is being blamed but themselves.
“Not actually sure what was worse, that huge Celtic profit or the fact I now look like the Incredible Hulk. Both totally unacceptable.”
— Billy ‘David’ Banner,
“Anyone know if it matters to Dave King that Celtic are miles ahead and that people keep mistaking me for the Wicked Witch of the West?”
— Billie Melting.
Celtic manager Brendan Rodgers caused further further outbreaks of green-eyed monstery among Rangers* fans by expressing pride in his side’s latest goal, which blended pure, beautiful, inventive football with that rarest of things at Ibrox these days: three points.
You would imagine the jealously might not be such a pressing concern if Mark Warburton’s side had any hope at all, either on or off the pitch. However, at least one fan seemed determined to be realistic, and tried to deal with his affliction in a unique way:
“Just smashed a mirror so I can’t see how green I look. Someone said I might get seven years’ bad luck. F*ck it. It has to be better than enduring this sh*t.”
— Billy Fatalist.
Across the city, Celtic have their own colour issues to contend with.
Following their Champions League windfall, fans are divided on whether the Celtic Way should be paved in gold or silver, while Peter Lawwell is considering whether there are any colours of Rolls Royce he has yet to buy with his performance bonuses.
There is something truly rare going on at Parkhead, as title after title is being won by a side whose accounts are in the black. This is, of course, a contrast to the trend set by Rangers in the 1990s when going into the red was all the rage.
These are remarkable times for Celtic, and desperate ones for their city rivals. Their famous hooped strip, coupled with the envy of Rangers* fans means that Glasgow is now finally green (and white…).
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…