Celtic, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

About Celtic’s Interim Results…

British one penny coins. Image shot 2009. Exact date unknown.

Good Evening.

As you are no doubt aware, Celtic today published their interim results for the six months to 31 December 2016. They are excellent:

Financial Highlights

• Revenue increased by 94.7% to £61.2m (2015: £31.4m).

• Profit from trading was £21.4m (2015: £1.6m).

• Profit from transfer of player registrations (shown as profit on disposal of intangible assets) £2.0m (2015: £12.6m).

• Profit before taxation of £18.6m (2015: £11.7m).

• Period end net cash at bank of £18.6m (2015: £7.7m).

• Investment in football personnel of £9.5m (2015: £6.1m).

You can find a link to the full results here: Celtic plc Interim Report

I say they are excellent, and better-informed commentators have also stated that they look very good indeed. However, we all know that there will be some folk out there determined to prove that the results are a pack of lies and that Celtic are teetering on the brink of going bust. They will do this because the awful truth that the Scottish champions are a successful, well-run, sustainable operation which has benefited from Champions League income is just too much for them to bear.

So do look out for some of the following pieces of ‘evidence’ of Celtic’s secret poverty and underhand practices over the coming days. Some will be familiar to you, some less so…

1) Unaffordable Co-op loans are about to be called in by aliens from the planet ‘Staunch’. With intergalactically-disastrous consequences for the Hoops.

2) Both the Vatican and Glasgow City Council are illegally transporting wagon loads of other people’s money to Celtic Park by purpose-built monorail. A monorail which gets its electricity for free via an unauthorised connection to an electricity sub-station, which then causes the power to cut out at schools, hospitals and various branches of Wetherspoons.

3) Those profits aren’t real money. They are Irish, Catholic, Fenian money which doesn’t even wear a Poppy in November.

4) Absolutely everything in the interim results is photoshopped. Including every minute of Celtic’s alleged Champions League campaign.

5) Celtic’s assets don’t actually exist. Moussa Dembele is just a rumour.

6) Beneath Celtic Park, there is an army of slave hamsters in wheels which power a massive illegal printing press. Celtic’s profits are all counterfeit notes.

7) Celtic have found a way to turn their hatred of Rangers* into cash. Every pound is an attack on our club! They should be thrown out of football and sent to jail.

8) Celtic only have money because Dave King invested in them to lull them into a false sense of security. You just wait until he invests in us too Timmy!

OK, maybe that last one is just a bit TOO implausible…



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