Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Dear Diary…


Good Evening.

Here is a draft of a diary column which won’t be appearing in the sports section of a Scottish newspaper anytime soon…


Sport Diary: People on the internet are morons

NEWSPAPERS give a voice to those who find it impossible to restrain themselves from howling at the moon in public.

Mainstream media in Scotland is anything but mainstream. In-your-face, ‘personality’ writers stroll about like they own the place for reasons they can’t fully justify. It’s quite remarkable how much revisionism and wibblery the hard of writing can cram into football reporting.

The past week has been as frustrating as frustrating can be for your sport diarist in more ways than a random number that I have plucked out of thin air. Allow me to give you a Pepys into it [NB “Pepys”/ “diarist” geddit? Hahahaha…]

Those pesky online folk are the bane of my life!

Tesco. for example. They completely messed up my online order for several cases of ‘sneer’. They thought I wanted beer, but it was definitely sneer. How else am I going to fill this column in future? After all, no one would rather read a page full of beer stains than my pithy comments would they?

And then there was my online purchase of train tickets. Owing to a completely accidental mix-up, I ended up sitting next to Jim Traynor and we didn’t talk about football. No Sir. In fact I didn’t speak to him at all. No one in the newspaper industry speaks to him. I just thought that I would make that clear. Because folk see conspiracy everywhere these days, and think that PR operatives do completely unbelievable things like influence the output of the media. I’ve been asked about that 13.5 times in the last five and-a-half-days. Not that I am counting. After all, who would have the time to do that?

The next annoying experience I had online came from my emails. I had some. About stuff. It’s like my inbox was angrily mocking me. So I logged out.

I then found that my broadband was running slowly and sometimes completely dropping out. I invited the provider to come round to my house. They replied “that’s what serial killers say, and declined.” How rude!

In the end, the broadband corrected itself, but that wasn’t the end of my problems. I listened to a football phone-in over the internet and I couldn’t believe what I heard. The presenters and all the callers – without fail – were completely obsessed with football. That’s all they talked about. I tried calling in to offer some thoughts about opera but the researcher said that they were only interested in discussing blokes kicking a ball about. I am embarrassed for them with their narrow-minded fixation.

I turned that off and decided to look at Twitter. An absolute madhouse! Folk with nothing better than to do than troll me by asking questions! About things which are happening in the national sport, and about how they are reported. Some of them even write more than 140 characters at a time and produce whole ‘blogs’ about things which interest them. What is the world coming to? Wouldn’t they prefer to do nothing instead? It would be much more worthwhile than deluding themselves that there is something to be gained from thinking about and discussing topical issues.

Anyway, that’s enough about my online experiences.

Apparently there was also some sport this week. Who knew?

The sport diary will return next week and discuss the diarist’s overdue library books.



NB The above may or may not be a pastiche of a recent column. But remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…