Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Sevco’s Dream Signing


Good Evening.

The Clumpany suspects that most of you have been royally entertained by the articles in today’s papers which reported the Q&A from The Warbmeister’s recent press conference.

If you haven’t seen Warbo’s bizarre, rambling and possibly evasive comments, then you are in for a treat. Here is a link to them:

Rangers* Q&A: Mark Warburton on Hearts defeat, Celtic gap, defensive frailties and the Ibrox spotlight

However, The Clumpany has learned that the papers didn’t report the full exchange between Warbo and the media’s finest. Here – exclusively – is the completely fictitious part that they left out…

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Press: “After 22 games you are the same distance (25 points) off Celtic as you are from the bottom of the table.”

MW: “And? I’m reading in the papers Celtic are on a record-breaking run.”

Press: “Well, yes…”

MW: “So, take away their record run and they win four games less, how many points are they ahead? 13. If we won one of those games, now it is ten. They are on a record run, all credit to them. They are breaking a record going back how many years?”

Press: “Are you having a laugh, Mark?”

MW: “What do you mean?”

Press: “It’s all ifs and buts. Celtic keep winning. You don’t.”

MW: “OK then, let’s talk about the pink elephants.”

Press: “Sorry?”

MW: “The pink elephants. Do you think that if I had some I wouldn’t play them?”

Press: “Eh?”

MW: “I am being deadly serious here. If I had pink elephants available for selection I would play them. And maybe some tigers too. It would be great. An entertaining spectacle for the fans.”

Press: “What has that got to do with winning games of football, Mark?”

MW: “You see, there you go again. We work hard all the time to put on a show and get positive results, and you just look at me like I am talking Greek. Pink elephants could be the future. And if Rangers* Football Club had the resources to put them out there we would. Have you seen where this club has been since 2012?”.

Press: “Errr, yes…”

MW: “Well there you are then. You know it’s not all been about pink elephants. Celtic have had Champions League income. They’ve got some lovely pink elephants now.”

Press: “No they haven’t, Mark.”

MW: “As I said, the critics up here aren’t open minded to anything which seems different. But if I put a polar bear out there hoofing long balls down the pitch, you’d love it.”

Press: “Have you got a polar bear?”

MW: “Well it’s all about the scouting network isn’t it? And when you think about where this club has been – or rather where it hasn’t been – you can’t expect us to have been able to bring a polar in. Unless he plays for some League 2 strugglers in England, and has a poor injury record.”

Press: “Mark, can we bring you back to the gap with Celtic?”

MW: “Well you can sit there and talk about gaps, but we have to build carefully to bridge that gap. And pink elephants will certainly help to fill it when we can sign some. Not as well as orange blue whales would though. Have you seen the size of those blue whales? Huge! And some orange ones would be a great reward for our fans. Those fans have been magnificent. They know Rangers* Football Club isn’t all pink elephants, but they still turn out every week to cheer on the lads playing instead of them.”

Press: “Do you not think the fans want to hear about how you are going to improve your away form or vary your tactics, rather than about pink elephants?”

MW: “No. But I could talk about barn owls if you like? Have you heard that phrase about a poor striker not being able to hit a barn door?”

Press: “Errr, yes…”

MW: “Well a pink elephant could hit a barn owl from 10 yards away. With water rather than a ball, but it would be great for our magnificent fans to see. And it would be a great display of closing the gap to the barn owl.”

Sevco PR [*Coughing loudly*]: “That’s all for today, everyone. We’ll send you an animal-free transcript of Mark’s comments later this afternoon. Don’t forget to line up to receive your condescending pat on the head on your way out.”

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#KeepOnClumping

P.S. Maybe Warbo was on to something after all…

Thanks @sneckietim!