Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco, SPFL

A Shocking ‘Player Of The Month’

Good Evening.

A shock contender has emerged for the title of SPFL Premiership ‘player of the month’ for January.

It’s someone you have all heard of, and yet you will still be stunned when I reveal his identity.

Allow me to explain. In the wake of last night’s calamitous 4-1 defeat to Hearts, Warbo and James Tavernier had some explaining to do to the media at today’s regular press conference.

Warbo said that Sevco had had a ‘bad day at the office’, a bland description which will doubtless endear him to the despairing Sevco faithful.

But it was Tavernier’s remarks which really caught the eye.

Or at least they might have done if Tavernier had been quoted correctly. A Clumpany source has made inquiries, and the truth of what he said is far stranger than the above Tweet suggests.

Here is the report I received from my source:


Comrade Clumpany.

I checked out that quote you sent me and it’s bullsh*t. ‘Tavs’ said nothing about speed bumps. Why the hell would he mention speed bumps? He’s a footballer talking about football FFS! He’s not a performance artist specialising in surrealism (OK maybe sometimes when he’s got a ball at his feet).

But speed bumps are a road thing. Not a football thing.

You need a car or something to engage in speed bump shenanigans. But Tavernier is a footballer with boots.

Have you ever heard the like?


As you can tell, my source likes to witter on…


Anyway, I did some checking, and speed bumps don’t come into it at all. Tavernier said “Speedy Mr Bump”. Round blue fat guy covered in bandages. Bumps into things a lot. Do you think that’s why they call him Mr Bump? Because it would be kind of appropriate wouldn’t it?


Like I said, my source isn’t one for cutting to the chase…


‘Tav’ said that last night’s game was all about Speedy Mr Bump. Apparently he’s got a surprising turn of pace which is why they nicknamed him ‘Speedy’. It’s clever isn’t it? Ian Cathro met him in one of his hipster clubs and asked him if he fancied a game for the Jambos. So when the score was 1-1, Cathro threw him into the action without even making a substitution!

‘Tav’ was raging that Hearts had 12 men on the pitch, but apparently when the officials saw all the bandages and the light blue they assumed that Mr Bump was the physio. For the rest of the game.

The round fella cut about the pitch like a dynamo. Knocking Sevco players out of the way in the build up to the second, third and fourth goals. And obviously the referee wasn’t going to give a foul if he thought someone in light blue was responsible. 

But make no mistake, the Sevco players believe they have been cheated out of three points and they will be taking this to the highest Level in the Scottish game: Jim Traynor. 

Jim will have no problem getting the papers to run stories about Sevco’s defeat being down to the Mr Men rather than a lack of investment in decent players.

I hope that was a helpful update Comrade. Give my regards to Alan. I haven’t seen him in ages.


Mr Mystery Source.


As you can imagine, The Clumpany is astonished by this story. I can’t help but feel that his brilliant performance in helping to deliver one of the most striking results of the season must make Mr Bump a near certainty to win SPFL ‘player of the month’. 

In fact, given his habit of needlessly getting involved in calamity and making a fool of himself, I wouldn’t be surprised to see him replacing Neil Doncaster as its Chief Executive.



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