Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Selling Sevco’s Top Talent

Good Evening.

Not for the first time (or indeed the millionth), there were laughs a-plenty to be found in the Evening Shark-Jump today.

This piece in particular caught my eye:

Here is the key extract:

Warburton has rebuilt his squad in the last 18 months and seen the likes of Wes Foderingham and Barrie McKay shine in the top flight this term.

While the Englishman is keen to retain his best players for the long haul, he knows the financial model that Rangers have implemented means big bids will be hard to resist in the future.

He said: “I hope Rangers fans don’t see it as a derogatory statement. But right now the disparity is such with the clubs down south that we can’t match it.

“So how do we get money in? If it means you get a good price which means you get good value for the club then you have to do it.

“If you sell a player for £8million and you buy three or four players and move them forward, then that is the way. We have got to move, recognise the gap and respond to it.

“If that means selling your prized asset at the right time and for the right price, then I am sure they will do it.”

The Clumpany must also give a special mention to this quote:

“A lot of players left the club for next to nothing and our job is to increase the value of the balance sheet, in a cold hearted way.”

Sadly the Warbmeister did not elaborate on why the players were able to leave the ‘same club’. But that’s OK, because we all remember how Rangers died in 2012.

However, it was the notion of Sevco selling ‘top talents’ which intrigued me.

Given that the now-legendary £6m deal for Barrie McKay didn’t transpire, I considered whether there might be plans afoot for Sevco to kidnap the top talent of other ‘clubs’ and sell that instead. I am sure the Evening Shark-Jump and others would absolute love it if Moussa Dembele became Sevco’s first player to be sold for more than a handful of brass tacks.

Assuming that Sevco don’t adopt that strategy, then you have to wonder quite what other ‘top talent’ they might have available to sell. Obviously ‘talent’ is a subjective and relative concept, and given that No-Longer-Murray Park isn’t exactly full of potential galacticos, I found myself approaching the question with a very open mind.

Here are the top talents I have identified so far:

1) The cones from the training ground who have more mobility and creativity than most of the playing squad.

2) The boxes of cornflakes which make a huge contribution to the world class Sevco breakfast.

3) The bowls, milk and spoons which provide invaluable ‘assists’ to the cornflakes on a daily basis.

4) The PR operation which producing the shiniest, most glitter-covered turds in world football. There must be some serious talent involved in producing those miracles!

5) The ‘Billy Boys’-singing fans. They could easily be sold to dictatorships around the world, as their voices have the miraculous power to make potentially critical journalists’ completely deaf.

6) Dave King’s war chest. The Emptiest Thing In The Universe must surely be of interest to top quantum physicists, and could therefore (ironically) generate some cash.

And finally…

7) The Ibrox Trophy Room. This could be sold off for someone to use as a storage unit. [NB This would be dependent on the previous owner coming to collect their trophies, which are currently cluttering up the place]. 

That’s an awful lot of highly marketable ‘talent’! The days of dependency on director loans could soon be at an end…