Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Mark Warburton’s Wish List

“And then they said ‘we’ll have a #GoingFor55 publicity campaign’!”

Good Evening.

This afternoon, Sky ‘What Do You Mean We Cover Scottish Football?’ Sports posted one of the finest mindlessly upbeat Tweets about Sevco that I have seen in some time:


As others have pointed out, you have to wonder why the Warbmeister didn’t use his magic hat to collect the money for 15 players and then spend it all on one really good one? Or is the globe-trotting Sevco scouting operation simply unable to find a single worthwhile signing?

It made The Clumpany wonder about other occasions on which the Warbly One might have put quality ahead of quantity with disastrous consequences.

After researching for at least 30 seconds, it became apparent that the list is quite impressive, and I look forward to reading the following stories on the Sky Sports website in the near future:

1) Mark Warburton exclusively reveals he has no pictures on the wall of his office. “I’m not going to put up pictures of my family. It’s all about waiting for the Mona Lisa to become available”, said the former City Trader. “Although I would settle for Munch’s ‘The Scream’ as it’s practically a portrait of me.”

2) Warbs surrenders use of the Rangers* team bus! “I want quality transport rather than a cliched ‘easy to organise’ motor vehicle. It’s winged chariots all the way for my team. And until we get some, we’ll be walking to matches.”

3) Warbo gave his EuroMillions-winning ticket to a local Scout troop who were short of kindling for their campfire. “Those lads deserved a quality fire rather than a large quantity of outdoor heaters which I could have bought with the money” said the Sevco manager. “Brrrr. Have you noticed how cold my office is?”

4) Warburton once kept £50 in his pocket hoping to buy a glass of water made from Antarctic ice upon which an Emperor Penguin had hatched an egg, rather than buy his mates a round at his local pub. “It was all about the exquisite quality of that magnificent liquid, and the direct link to nature”, said Warbo. “I don’t care if the lads all wanted a Carling and left me on my own feeling thirsty for the rest of the night.”

5) The Warbmeister had the opportunity to go to the Highlands for a weekend break with his nearest and dearest. He turned it down however because he preferred to wait to be teleported to Mars. “Everyone’s been to the Highlands”, said Warbo. “It’s like a load of shortbread tin lids lined up as far as the eye can see. I wasn’t going to be able to relax unless I got some serious Red Planet action. In the end I stayed at home and watched a ‘Button Moon’ box set.”

And finally…

6) Warbo reveals his secret football ambition! “I could have taken any one of 15 jobs in England. But I want a top management role with a historic trophy-laden institution. I want to be manager of Rangers Football Club.  But in the meantime I am happy where I am”