Celtic, English Football, Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Celtic’s Transfer Window Nightmare


Good Evening.

The Clumpany has just seen an advanced copy of a completely fictitious Sky Sports News transfer deadline day story which promises to ruin Celtic’s season and thereby cause Brendan Rodgers to walk away.


Chelsea and Celtic In Deadline Day ‘Pitch’ Battle

Chelsea have stunned the Scottish champions by making a bid for the bottom half-centimetre of each blade of grass on the Celtic Park pitch.

The staggering move – which would see Celtic receive 40 million drawing pins dropped on to the pitch from a helicopter, plus a hostess trolley – threatens to wreck their playing surface and chances of retaining the title. Chelsea, meanwhile, would gain some Champions League-experienced grass to feed to Roman Abramovich’s genetically-engineered talking cows.

Sky sources first became aware of the move when Chelsea scouts were spotted crouching down on the Celtic Park pitch with a ruler, clipboard and intense stares. A Stamford Bridge insider told Sky Sports News “Mr Abramovich is very proud of his cows, who can sing the entire Bob Dylan back catalogue and recite the names of every Chelsea season ticket-holder. 

He likes to feed the cows Champions League grass whenever he can, and ever since Daisy and Buttercup got bored of their West London grass, he’s been looking to get some from another club.”

Revealing that Abramovich has enjoyed seeing Pep Guardiola taken down a peg or two this season, the insider continued “Mr Abramovich loved the 3-3 game between Celtic and Manchester City, and thought the grass on which it was played would be a lovely treat for his cows.

But ever-mindful of their sensitive stomachs, he only wanted to get them the most succulent parts. So he instructed his board to get the bottom half-centimetre of each blade of grass, leaving Celtic with the rest.”

Chelsea want this local trader – who they found hanging around outside Ibrox – to cut the Celtic Park grass.
Such is Chelsea’s determination to pull off the deal before the window closes, they have sanctioned one of the most amazing offers ever seen in world football.

Brendan Rodgers is understood to be furious at the potential swoop, and fears that his board will not back him by keeping all of the grass. In the words of one observer, “Brendan views that 5 millimetres of grass as a key component of his plan to play attractive free-flowing  football which will entertain the crowds and bring in the trophies. And he’s got no use for an ageing hostess trolley unless it can double as a Rangers* defender during training sessions before the next Glasgow derby. Oh wait…”

Our source – who describes the atmosphere at Celtic Park as “fraught” – believes the board might be tempted to cave in to Chelsea’s offer. “They may take the view that 40 million drawing pins on the pitch represents an excellent deal for the grass which is only going to die anyway, and which has no scrap value.

A couple of board members would prefer Brendan Rodgers’ side to start playing a long ball game, and nothing is more likely to make that happen than having millions of little spikes on the pitch. 

Maybe a compromise will be reached, with the remaining grass clippings being glued to the ends of the drawing pins?”

Chelsea declined to issue a statement on this Sky Sports exclusive, but did release Mr Abramovich’s hounds.

A Celtic spokesman asked if Jim White would like advice on where to shove his yellow tie.