Celtic, Media, Satire, Scottish Football, SPFL

Celtic: A Minute’s Embarrassment 


Good Afternoon. 

The Clumpany is tempted to say congratulations to Celtic, who today set a new club record for going unbeaten from the start of the domestic season, overtaking the achievement of a certain famous team in 1966-7.

I am also inclined to remark that although the current Celtic side is clearly not on a par with the peerless Lisbon Lions, to beat a record which had stood for 50 years is still highly commendable because it shows ability, fitness, focus and commitment in spades.

Finally, I would like to be able to state that Celtic’s current domestic dominance is the result of over twenty years’ hard work and sustainable development following the McCann takeover. And as such is well-deserved.

But I can’t.

I really can’t.

Because frankly it is just cringe-making to see Celtic racking up all these wins against feeble disinterested teams who are followed by so-called ‘fans’. Fans who only go through the motions of offering support out of a sense of duty, rather than because they really care. They know the game is a bogey and it surely can’t be long before broadcasters and sponsors reach the same conclusion and walk away.

Celtic are clearly killing Scottish football.

I think it is about time that they showed some humility and contrition. Consequently, I have written to the club, copied to all media outlets, asking that the Celtic team now line up before every game and stand in silence with their fans for a ‘Minute’s Embarrassment’. During the Minute they should stare at their boots and reflect on how they are systematically shaming the Beautiful Game, and Scotland as a whole.

They should also impose a transfer embargo on themselves for the next five years, and walk to all their domestic matches, handing out their Champions League earnings to passing strangers as they go. Their goal celebrations should cease, and every club press conference should feature a ten-minute slot in which Brendan Rodgers offers his personal apologies to a list of fans of other clubs whose dreams have been crushed by Celtic.

At first glance, this Programme of Atonement might seem a little over-the-top. But believe me, it is the ONLY way that Celtic can dig itself and the whole of Scottish football out of the dark hole into which they have tumbled.

Please remember to observe the Minute’s Embarrassment before every game, and please also

#KeepOnClumping

UPDATE: Judging by the reaction, I think I should point some readers to this particular blog’s ‘satirical’ categorisation (see above)…