English Football, Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Unacceptable Terns


Good Evening.

The Clumpany was distressed to hear that Sevco’s bid to secure the services of “former Newcastle keeper” [for which read “current Port Vale keeper and joint-captain”] Jak Alnwick has hit trouble.

Things were looking promising too, with reports earlier this evening that Sevco had successfully activated a £250k release clause in his contract:

“Accepted”? Shirley not…

The suggestion seems to be that the bid was based on a problematic instalment plan which stretched so far into the future that Buck Rogers himself was going to take at least one of the payments to the bank. But whatever the precise details, the Chairman of Stoke’s second team has apparently said

“We received a bid for the player however the terms were not acceptable.”

Well, at least that’s how STV reported his quote.

Clumpany sources suggest that what he actually said was this:

“We received a bid for the player however the terns were not acceptable. This club is based in the Midlands. Do we look like we want seabirds? What are we supposed to do with them? Unveil them on the pitch at half time and then all pile in taxis to go and watch them frolicking by the coast?

Do you know how much a taxi from Stoke to the nearest beach costs? Do you? And that’s just during the warmer seasons. The bloody things migrate for the winter! I’m not flying out to Heaven-knows-where every weekend to go and see them while our opponents are banging in the goals because we no longer have a goalkeeper. What sort of an idiot do you think I am?

No we DO NOT want terns.

At. All.

And we don’t want Woodpeckers either – feathered or canned.

There was also some ludicrous talk about us doing a deal in return for an albatross. But Port Vale has no wish to ship Ibrox hundreds of miles south when we have a perfectly good stadium already.

We might have considered a turkey, but I see he’s back playing for Burnley again.

Vultures? No I’ve already spoken to one Scottish media outlet, I am not talking to any more.

What’s so wrong with cash? In one or two easy payments? This isn’t DFS you know. We haven’t got  a permanent ‘buy now, pay when the Universe has collapsed into dust’ sale on. Dear me.”

Let’s see if Sevco can manage to improve their offer. Perhaps they might like to try fish rather than birds next time? I can hear the Port Vale Chairman’s reaction already: “Oh my cod! Have you seen their latest bid?”.