Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Mark Warburton Insists Barrie McKay Won’t Leave Until He’s Replaced By A Decent Vending Machine 

“Barrie, I’m not supposed to tell you this but the gaffer is thinking of selling you for some Mars Bars”

The 22-year-old winger is a target for big spenders RB Leipzig, in the same way that the Daily Piss-Take is a target for the Pulitzer Prize Board. Somehow, we appear to believe McKay could be the subject of a £6million blitzkreig bid to stop the German side’s season from tanking.

By A.Sunday-Hack

Mark Warburton insists he won’t let Rangers star Barrie McKay leave until he gets a properly-stocked vending machine at No-Longer Murray Park.
And the Ibrox boss is adamant the same applies to Michael O’Halloran – despite the winger being linked with a loan move that would see him move out, and the board loan less.

McKay is a £6 million target for both big spenders RB Leipzig and our crass war-themed puns.

But Warburton doesn’t want to be left short of snacks if the Bundesliga title chasers do make a dive bomber-like swoop.

He said: “It’s January and Barrie has put in some high-quality displays walking to and from the newsagent’s to get me some chocolate.

“People keep asking about players leaving but I hope not. You can’t beat a nice can of locally-bought Irn-Bru. I’d never had it before I came to Rangers* Football Club. But it is now a drink that I fully respect. And Barrie is always happy to pop out and fetch one for me.

“I can’t control it but in the January window it can happen.

“Barrie’s in a great place right now. The newsagent knows him and always makes sure there’s a Double Decker and a perfectly-chilled can ready for when he pops in. He’s proud to know the way to the shop and to be able to work out how much change he should be getting from a fiver. Long may that continue.

“I’ve read stories about Michael going and what I’ve agreed to. It’s complete news to me.

“I only had 18 players today with the injuries so we’re down to bare numbers if I want something sugary and have to send someone out instead of Barrie. And then there’s the football I want them to play as well. It’s all go.

“I’m not letting players leave unless I get a decent well-stocked vending machine in. And not one of those which only sells Coke and Diet Coke. I want a full range of branded snacks dispensed at the correct temperature.

“And if it can also play a holding role in midfield that would be perfect.”

Commenting on the possible transfer, Barrie McKay’s agent said “have you tried the new limited edition Kit-Kat? Barrie got me one while he was at the newsagent’s.  Absolutely top-drawer.”



NB You can catch up with the full Barrie McKay ‘transfer’ saga in the following blogs:

Rangers* Stun Red Bull Leipzig

Sevco’s Big Transfer News

Singing Star Barry Manilow A £6m Target For Daily Record Office Party

Warbo Willing To Cash In On Unicorn – But Will Demand Chunk of Proceeds Go On Building Monorail

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