Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Sevco’s Big Transfer News


Good Evening.

Here is an advanced copy of an imaginary article which may ‘appear’ in a fictional newspaper tomorrow…


Rangers* Starlet Linked With £50m Move To England

By A.Hack

Scottish football was shaken to its core last night as one of Rangers’* brightest prospects looked set to move to the Premier League for a breathtaking eight-figure sum.

The shock transfer could see an unnamed starlet head south before the end of the January window. The exact potential value of the sale is yet to be confirmed, but figures of up to £50m have been discussed in our office.

The transfer will be a massive boost for the Ibrox outfit, will vindicate its policy of developing its own talent ‘in house’, and is sure to strike fear into Celtic, who have clearly become complacent at the top of the league.

The astonishing news was broken to this paper by a top European player who we think asked not to be named for… errr… fear of receiving abuse from fans envious  of Rangers’* good fortune.

The player said: “I don’t want my name to be quoted. I have my self-respect to consider. However, x seems a reasonable prospect at Rangers*. I can imagine him doing OK in a few years’ time.”

When pressed by our top investigative team, the continental superstar said “You want another quote? Speak to my agent. Oh. You have. OK then… I guess any player in Scotland would be interested in a move to England. I agree that there is a lot of money changing hands in transfer fees at the moment. Now go away. Your time is up”.

If the transfer goes ahead, it is understood that Mark Warburton would want to reinvest the proceeds into his squad as soon as possible to prepare for next season’s Europa League final, and a spectacular trophy quadruple that would confirm Rangers’* return to the big time.

When asked about the possible move, one Rangers* fan said “Aye, you can say I said something about how excited I am.”

No one at Ibrox was available to comment. However, sources suggest that rumours of the £50m move are certain to increase the value of the rest of the squad, which is sure to be in demand from all the top European sides.

“Bid early and bid high is my suggestion” said the source.

“Please. Pretty please…”