Media, Satire, Scottish Football

The Unwritten Rules


Good Evening.

The Clumpany is working on a new range of family games for several well-known manufacturers. These will hopefully go on sale in the Autumn, and make ideal Christmas presents for your nearest and dearest. Do look out for them at your favourite retailer. All proceeds will go towards setting up a search and rescue team dedicated to finding Dave King’s war chest.

Always keen to bring you the biggest exclusives, I thought that long-suffering Clumpaneers might like to  have a sneak preview of some of the exciting innovations that The Clumpany Fun Department is currently developing…

The first one is called ‘Chess’, and involves two players – ‘black’ and ‘white’ – doing battle on a chequered board of 64 squares containing 32 pieces.

Another is called ‘Connect 4’, and requires two players to try and get four of their plastic counters lined up in a row inside an upright frame.

Then there’s ‘Monopoly’, a board game where the object is to buy London ‘properties’ and make more money than everyone else.

My fourth offering is ‘Guess Who?’. Two players each pick a card featuring a named character, and their opponent has to work out who it is by asking a series of questions.

And my final game is ‘Cluedo’, where participants have to work out which colour-named individual committed a murder in a mansion.

I know what you are thinking: “when do you find the time to do such amazing creative work?”.

Oh. You weren’t thinking that.

You were thinking “those aren’t new games at all! They are really well-known. We’ve played them a million times before, and we all know the rules.”

And there you are wrong! Because I have taken my inspiration from this piece in the Daily Record:

Cistern failure – Celtic and Rangers must sort petty toilet rift before it escalates into a full-blown Cold War

MY games are played by the unwritten rulesnot the written ones!

In Clumpany ‘Chess’, the winner is the first one to destroy the game with an axe before burning its remnants in a petrol-fuelled inferno. But only on a Wednesday.

The victor in ‘Connect 4’ is the player who pays a top Sumo wrestler precisely 15 old pennies (in farthings) to throw their opponent’s grandmother across the width of a bouncy castle before smearing the colourful plastic counters with sushi while Tony Christie sings “Is This The Way To Amarillo? on a newly-purchased karaoke machine.

In ‘Monopoly’, only money robbed from an actual bank counts at the end of the game, and all hotels erected on the board must be fully operational branches of Premier Inn, complete with Lenny Henry recording a p*ss-poor advert.

The unwritten rules of ‘Guess Who?’ require the pictures of eliminated characters to be knocked down using an original truck featured in “Smokey and the Bandit”. Trucks from the sequels result in losing the game by default unless driven by Lou Ferrigno in full ‘Incredible Hulk’ costume and makeup. In which case, the game is instantly declared a draw, with both players subjected to gamma radiation and instructed not to get angry.

And finally, in The Clumpany edition of ‘Cluedo’, the real winner is the person who can deduce who killed Rangers. Anyone who says there wasn’t a death is instantly disqualified and given an internship at the Daily Record.

Once work is completed on these masterpieces, I am thinking of developing a new version of this little beauty:


I may ask Phil Mac Giolla Bhain to advise on the unwritten rules, and then invite the MSM’s finest around to Clumpany Towers for a game…