Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Rangers* Stun Red Bull Leipzig

Good Evening.

The Clumpany has been given a sneak preview of an imaginary match report which may appear in tomorrow’s Daily Piss-Take.


Rangers* Stun Red Bull Leipzig

It was a case of positives all round today as Rangers* and their Loyal travelling army conquered Germany, and set themselves on a path to Champions League glory.

The 0-4 scoreline doesn’t tell the full story. In fact, in the case of this article, it won’t tell any of the story…

The weekend began with the remarkable spectacle of Rangers* fans – who heroically stood idly by as the ‘club’ went into and miraculously emerged from administration –  finally dipping into their wallets. 

The way that they bankrolled the entire airline industry for at least the next decade with their mass purchase of  tickets to the Continent will certainly go down in the annals of aviation and commercial history. 

The faithful were certainly in the highest spirits as the Big Time beckoned once again, and they took great pride in knowing that their historic, history-laden ‘club’ was answering the call to save European football from having been without Rangers* for a while.

Keen to keep themselves fresh and in good voice for the Game of the Century against Red Bull Leipzig, the fans only drank still mineral water during their journey, and refrained from any singing. Their only concession to this abstinence was when they hummed “Mary Had A Little Lamb” a couple of times to ensure that their ability to hold a note remained intact.

Truly uplifting scenes greeted the team and fans everywhere they went. Over and over again the local population and dignitaries took to the streets to throw flowers in their path. And the entire Bundesliga programme was suspended so that every single professional footballer in Germany could form a Guard of Honour for the Gers* as they took to the pitch today. 

The game was a roaring success for the Light Blues as the players went on the pitch and kicked the ball occasionally.

[We need more about the actual match than that – Ed.]

The match lasted for 90 minutes plus injury time, and it was a sign of Rangers’* European credentials that they were on the pitch for the entire duration. Warburton’s side even found the energy and creativity to respect the continental tradition of having a break at half-time and returning to the dressing room. It was a gesture which clearly further endeared the Gers* to their hosts.

Throughout the second half – as in the first – the magnificent fans were in fine voice. However, the excitement and quality of Rangers’* on-pitch performance distracted your correspondent from hearing any of the actual words.

At the final whistle the players shook hands and Warburton shook his head. No doubt with absolute delight at the display put up by his side against top quality opposition.

The former City Trader – who must surely now be on the radar of every top club after this incredible European debut – will have learned a lot about his squad today. As the Gers* embark on the second half of the season with a Scottish Cup showdown against Motherwell, he will be boosted by the knowledge that the players can put their kit on in another country, and now believe that a foolball is still round once you leave Scotland.  

It is impossible to pick a Man of the Match for Rangers* because they were all of exactly the same standard. 

And it wasn’t the standard of Leipzig. 

It was the standard of Rangers*. The mighty, all-conquering, most-successful-‘club’-in-the-Universe!

If their former holding company is looking down on them tonight, it will be very proud indeed.