Here is the latest entirely fictitious Sevco transfer* update, from the hypothetical Sunday Piss-Take newspaper.
* NB for ‘transfer’ read ‘short-term loan’. It should be remembered that RIFC had a ‘going concern’ warning in its last set of accounts, and is surviving with the help of loans from directors. This is not conducive to earth-shattering transfer dealings. No really…
Dramatic Scenes As Rangers’* Transfer Target Jets In!
By: A. Sunday-Hack.
Marco Bench-Warmer, the previously-unknown but obviously amazing starlet has arrived in Glasgow to undergo a medical, having finally got his appointment at the hospital after a six-month wait.
Bench-Warmer could become Mark Warburton’s second January signing, his first being the autograph he gave to a tourist who mistook him for Russ Abbot on New Year’s Day.
‘Benchy’ – as his adoring fan (rumoured to be his mum) calls him – jetted into Glasgow this afternoon to complete his loan move. He was an instant sensation as passing members of the public marvelled at his obvious class.
“You should have seen the way he walked through the terminal building”, said one onlooker. “He came in, put one foot in front of the other, and even paused for a moment to let someone walk across his path with a trolley. It was a quality display.”
Witnesses confirmed that walking wasn’t the only one of Bench-Warmer’s skills to be put on show.
“He had a rucksack with him, which he – and I can’t believe I am saying this – CARRIED HIMSELF! It was strapped over his shoulders in a very stylish yet practical way. You could instantly tell that he has an eye for goal and will terrify opposition sides”.
Another onlooker marvelled at the new cosmopolitan, continental and cultured approach that Bench-Warmer looks set to bring to Scottish football. “He was carrying a giant Toblerone with him. I’ve never seen anything like it. What absolute class that man has!” said the woman who subsequently passed out when she saw Ferrero Rocher on sale in a nearby shop.
A fellow passenger, who asked only to be named as “Timmy The Fenian”, and who didn’t appear to be a Rangers* fan, said “I saw Bench-Warmer and I absolutely pissed myself.” The Sunday Piss-Take attributes this loss of bladder control to fear of Rangers’* imminent march back to the top of Scottish Football.
Before leaving the airport, Bench-Warmer engaged in a lengthy meet-and-greet session, displaying the sort common touch which is sure to make him a big hit with the fans, and sell lots of shirts for Mike Ashley.
“It was brilliant to see” said one of the airport staff. “He worked his way right round the terminal building, sitting on every bench, telling them how pleased he was to meet them and entertaining them with stories from his previous clubs. How many other players would take the time to do that?”
The benches declined to comment but are now understood to be desperate to buy half-season tickets for Ibrox. You too can be part of the Bench-Warmer Revolution by calling the ticket office on 0141 1872 1872 and quoting reference ‘Helping Cash Flow In 2017’.
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…