Media, Satire, Scottish Football

When Rangers Went Down The Toilet

toilet

Good Evening.

Here’s a topical article which The Clumpany just read in an entirely fictitious newspaper…

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The Great Rangers Toilet Revolt: Ten Years On

The Daily P*ss-Take looks back on one of the more remarkable episodes in Rangers’ historic historical history, and lifts the lid on The Great Rangers Toilet Revolt which saw David Murray’s ambitious installation of an exotic overseas toilet lead to a player backlash and an almighty stink.

Ten years ago today the plumbers arrived at Ibrox and removed from the dressing room the French-manufactured toilet which Murray had hoped would make Rangers flush with success, and leave their domestic rivals heading down the drain. It was a momentous decision by the Rangers chairman, which led to the return of a crusty old vintage model, and which ultimately proved very expensive to maintain.

It all seemed so promising when Murray arranged for the ‘le Guen Flush-O-Matic’ to be installed, having been impressed by its reputation and performances in Europe.“Everyone was really excited at the change of toilet direction” said a former player, who asked not to be named as he devoured  a packet of crisps which seemed munchy and of monster proportions. “A bright shiny new toilet with impressive credentials! It really seemed like the shitter to take us to the next level. But then it all went wrong.”

The mysterious Ibrox legend continued “the ‘le Guen Flush-O-Matic’ simply couldn’t handle the big jobbie at Rangers. It lost an early encounter with defecated kebab, and then suffered a really embarrassing draw. I say ‘draw’, but what actually happened was that it spluttered at the product of someone’s bad curry, and this oozing pattern appeared on the wall which looked a bit like a child’s drawing of the club’s transfer policy at the time: shit.”

Players quickly became disgruntled with the ‘le Guen Flush-O-Matic’ and started to ask questions about its ability to handle the squad. “Have you ever sat on a ‘le Guen Flush-O-Matic'”, said another anonymous player as he wrote yet another autograph for a Sportsound presenter. “Cold as ice, and rough as a night in Manchester after a UEFA Cup Final. It just had nothing to offer the lads, and we wanted to go back to having a proper staunch toilet. One that could handle proper Rangers effluent. One that you could sit and read the paper on, and enjoy stories about David Murray’s plans to have hover toilets and bogs shaped like roulette wheels. Quality toilets.”

Sadly for the ‘le Guen Flush-O-Matic’, once the stench of failure began to filter through the dressing room, its days were numbered. “The shit hit the fan after it couldn’t handle my criticism” said the Ibrox legend as he accepted  yet another invitation to appear on Sportsound. “Or it would have done if we had had a fan and someone had taken a dump at the time. But you get my meaning. I shouted at the’le Guen Flush-O-Matic’ for a whole hour, and it just sat there saying nothing. And then I saw some water escaping. The cleaning staff said it was a leak, but I knew it was tears of shame.”

With its reputation in tatters, and with the players literally not giving a shit, the ‘le Guen Flush-O-Matic’ was soon shipped out of Ibrox by David Murray, and the vintage ‘Smith Commode 1872’ was reinstalled.

“It was brilliant to have the ‘Smith Commode 1872’ back” said the crisp-savouring former hero. “He knew just how to deal with our shit, and didn’t mind if the club threw large amounts of money down the toilet on new signings. Happy days!”

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