Media, Satire, Scottish Football

The Essay-Writing Competition


Good Evening.

There was a flurry of excitement at Journalism School today after a special essay-writing competition was announced.

Entrants were invited to write a short piece on the theme of “Scottish football today”. They could write about anything they wanted within that topic, and were asked to be as creative as possible.

The winner – who would get to edit the school magazine for a whole month – was to be judged by the Headmaster, Mr Trames Jaynor, in the imposing surroundings of his 5th floor office.

Mr Jaynor – who is renowned for not being easy to please, and whose final column in the school magazine famously trashed the entire teaching profession – made it clear that in choosing a winner he would be looking for an essay which

  • told a story he would find interesting;
  • wasn’t controversial in any way (unless it was a lurid tale of green and white hoop-wearing ruffians);
  • would look good in a light blue frame on his light blue wall; and which
  • could easily be illustrated with this picture of a squirrel:

Four of the most promising students in the school decided to seize their moment. Each of them went away to work on their ground-breaking essay in their respective favourite corners of the library, and not a word was heard from them all day.

Finally, late in the afternoon they all lined up outside the Headmaster’s office to submit their entries. Their knees were certainly knocking as they waited to go in, fearful that Mr Jaynor would mock their efforts.

Finally, the huge door swung open and Mr Jaynor invited them in. He told them to sit down while he read their work. After what seemed like an eternity, he looked up and glared at each of them in turn. Gulps could clearly be heard from the four contenders as they awaited his verdict. [Although their classmate Lindsay – who was walking down the corridor at the time – later said he heard young Timmy making the unedifying noise, even though Timmy was doing a sponsored silence at the time].

Suddenly Mr Jaynor grinned and chuckled out loud!

“Well done lads! This is brilliant work all round! You are all winners today!”.

Mini-fist pumps and high-fives ensued among the triumphant four, who were as delighted to be in the Headmaster’s good books as they were to win the prize!

Thanks to intrepid Clumpany sources inside the school, I am able to bring you exclusive extracts from the four winning entries:


I am sure you will agree that those are all worthy winners! Such diversity, such relevance to modern-day Scottish football, and so very, very crowd-pleasing!

Another triumph for Journalism School! 😉

#KeepOnClumping