Celtic, Media, Satire, Sevco

Celtic Victory Marred By Attempted Arson

By Billy Hack

Police Scotland issued an urgent appeal for information, and the Prime Minister convened an unprecedented New Year’s Day meeting of crisis committee ‘Cobra’ this morning as details emerged of attempted arson and chemical attack at Ibrox during the Hogmanay Glasgow derby.

We don’t normally mention the football allegiances of suspects unless it suits us. And so we are delighted to confirm that police are looking for Celtic fans wearing green and white hooped shirts, jeans and an irritating smugness about their team’s current form. Seriously, why don’t they know their place and kneel before… [Ed. – that’s enough of that. You’ll blow our cover.] 😉

The alarm was raised when pictures – apparently showing attempts to set fire to the stadium and release noxious fumes – appeared on social media last night.

One Rangers* fan called Billy, who asked not to be named except in public, said “I’m raging. Now what did you want to talk to me about?”.

Another fan, also called Billy, had this to say about the pictures: “Paedos! Jimmy Savile FC! Obsessed! We Are The People!”.

His best pal, Billy added: “It’s a disgrace. Peter Liewell, conspiracy, Fenians, blood, back where we belong!”.

Billy’s sister, Billie offered further insightful analysis with cries of “no surrender!” and “go home!” before a more articulate fans’ representative stepped in to offer the following remarks:

“Those pictures show exactly why Celtic fans should be banned from everything. You can clearly see from the pictures that they want to do untold damage to our iconic world-famous, historically historic stadium, which is home to the most unbroken history of any historic football club in the universe.”

“And there is no doubt whatsoever that these monsters wanted to poison all the Rangers* fans in attendance. Their hatred for, and jealousy of the world’s most successful club ought to be enough to see them thrown in jail. However, their attempted criminality should see them deported, imprisoned, brought back and deported again just to make sure they get the message that their sort isn’t wanted”.

Top experts have suggested that the potential fire damage could have amounted to as much as £5, and the authorities have vowed to do all they can to bring those responsible to justice.

Police Scotland have released the following image, and would like to hear from anyone who has seen a Celtic fan purchasing similar pyrotechnic devices recently, or who has encountered a Bhoy or Ghirl smelling faintly of sandalwood. 

Pictured: Towering inferno giving off noxious fumes [via ‪@CraigCFCJones]


NB Happy New Year!

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