Media, Satire, Scottish Football

The Big Christmas Party


Good Evening.

The Clumpany heads into the crucial festive period in optimistic mood following a recent dramatic slump during which this blog has received record levels of traffic and lots of positive feedback. I don’t know how I have coped, and am surprised that I haven’t been given the sack.

But here I remain, and I am determined to make the most of it. I’ve got a packed programme of tasty fixtures coming up over the holiday period. Most of them involve taking on cases of Buckie and various flavours and vintages of bleach. I am hoping that Santa will bring me a genuine bottle of 1973 Tesco’s own branch lemon-scented Bleach as I hear it was a very good example of the cleaning chemical genre. And it had a picture of Noddy Holder on it. Here’s hoping!

I am expecting a few of my favourite MSM hacks to pop round to Clumpany Towers for ‘nibbles’ on Boxing Day. Although quite why they all want to steal my hamster is beyond me. 😉

But while they are here, I will extend my legendary hospitality and offer them a drink and something to eat. Without much of a charge.

I must admit that I am a bit concerned about how many people Chris Jack might bring with him. Of course, he’ll tell me that Rangers* are coming but I have a feeling they will never actually arrive. Probably because they will get waylaid going for 55. That’s the number 55 bus. Which calls at a payday loan shop as it passes through Sevconia.

Then there’s Keith Jackson. He can have exactly 11 peanuts, and I’ll take great care to ensure that every single one is a salted. 😉

I’m not sure Car Park Man will actually get in the door as there will be tough questions to ask of folk as they head to their cars. None of which will be about the Offshore Game Report or the UEFA ‘new club/ company’ letter.

Neil Cameron is expected to put an empty blue plaque on the wall, announce to fellow guests that it is a Historic Day, and then leave it at that.

Matthew Lindsay is likely to volunteer to write a report about the event, but will probably end up simply confirming the availability of tickets for Sevco’s next game.

I wouldn’t be surprised if Chris McLaughlin turns up to announce that he is ghost-writing Neil Doncaster’s autobiography. He may regale us with a few tales of how Doncaster swam to the moon, and visited Mars on the back of a unicorn made entirely of jelly. All of which must be true simply because because Neil said so.

Tom English may not be the life and soul of the party on account of looking and listening for ducks called ‘Rangers’.

Ewan Murray will tell me in no uncertain terms that every single aspect of the party and Clumpany Towers is an overhyped embarrassment, but that Hearts are going a great rebuilding job.

Kenny Macintyre will sit silently in a corner, and when asked what’s wrong he’ll probably say that nothing about the party merits a discussion.

I anticipate that Gerry McCulloch will tell fellow guests that they can shape the conversation, before repeatedly interrupting them every time anything remotely interesting is said… 😉

And Martin Williams will probably follow and unfollow people randomly and repeatedly.

Part way through the gathering, I plan to shout “Is that Jim Traynor at the door?!” and then later “Phil’s here to say hello!” just to see how quickly the guests variously, drool, stand to attention or hide.

I expect the party to be magnificent, but I hope it ends before David Tanner arrives. The universe might collapse if he and Chris Jack get the opportunity to talk to each other about the ‘Old Firm’. And if that didn’t happen, we could certainly expect them to lead a conga around Clumpany Towers:

Let’s all love the Old Firm!

Let’s all love the Old Firm!

Na na na na!

The Clumpany is not at home to that sort of outrageous spectacle.

I hope everybody (and I mean EVERYBODY) has a wonderful Christmas with those nearest and dearest to them. But if Christmas doesn’t work for you, I hope you get through this period in the best way you can. And always remember that someone is thinking of you and wishing you well.

Finally, if you get an opportunity to show some kindness to someone less fortunate than yourself over the next few days then do think about taking it. Because therein lies some of the true magic of Christmas.

Best wishes, and happy Christmas!

The Clumpany

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