Media, Satire, Scottish Football

A Forensic Examination

Businessman Analyzing Document

Good Afternoon.

The Clumpany absolutely loved this piece from the Evening Shark-Jump this morning:

Rangers* are the only ones who can halt Celtic’s silverware procession in the coming years

It contains words and sentences but no detailed consideration.

It asserts that Sevco are the only side which might ultimately dislodge Celtic from the top of Scottish football. However, other than mentioning the ‘laying of foundations’ and player recruitment, it says nothing substantive about how this toppling could be achieved, and the hurdles which might have to be overcome. Most notably, it fails to dwell upon the dire state of the Sevco finances, which depend upon director loans and which were the subject of a ‘going concern’ warning in the most recent set of accounts.

The piece basically amounts to a cry of “Rangers* can overtake Celtic, because… well just BECAUSE!”. Other than the publishers of the paper – who get to fill some column inches – you have to wonder quite who this piece ultimately helps or informs.

If this is the level of precision on display in the Scottish sports press, I can imagine a hypothetical job interview for a role there might go something like this…

Q: “Why did you want to become a journalist?”

A: Because.”


Q: “What attracted you to this role?”

A: “I just was.”


Q: “What skills can you bring to the role?”

A: “Enough.”


Q: “Specifically?”

A: “Oh you know. Abilities and stuff.”



Q: “What sort of articles do you particularly enjoy writing?”

A: “Ones with words in them.”


Q: “Do you have any examples of your previous work that you can share with us?”

A: “Yes. And they are brilliant.”


Q: “Can we see them?”

A: “No.”


Q: “Why not?”

A: “Because we all need to move on.”


Q: “Can you tell me about how you build up a network of good quality sources?”

A: “Well I buy my ketchup from Sainsbury’s, my HP from Tesco, and horseradish from the corner shop.”


Q: “That’s not what I meant…”

A: “But that’s what I gave you. Sauces.”


Q: “Can you tell us about any investigations you have been involved in?”

A: “Funny you should ask that. I had a man in last week investigating a scratching sound in the attic. It turned out that I had a squirrel infestation.”


Q: “Squirrels?! Now we are getting somewhere! Can you also tell us about any interviews you have been involved in?”

A: “Well there’s this one with you, and I have to say that I am delighted to be here…”


Q: “Any famous people you have questioned?”

A: “I once tripped over that green bird Orville in a pub. He was sitting on the floor. I asked him why he didn’t get out of the way. He just started into space and didn’t say a word. He was quite rude actually.”


Q: “Let’s finish with some wider questions about the media. What challenges do you think the print news industry faces at the present time?”

A: “Challenging ones.”


Q: “Any particular challenges that you would like to mention?”

A: “No, I’m fine thanks.”


Q: “How should traditional news outlets adapt to the changing media landscape?”

A: “I think they are OK as they are to be honest. Newspapers are heading back to the top!”


Q: “Are you sure about that? What evidence do you have?”

A: “I just know. It’s their destiny. The papers are coming!”


Q: “In what way?”

A: “Because Scottish online and social media needs a strong print sector.”


Q: “Why do you think that?”

A: “It just does.”


Q: “Do you think the owners of online news sites and the so-called ‘Internet Bampots’ would agree with you?”

A: “They are just obsessed. You can smell their fear. They should never forget that We Are The Papers!”


Q: “That’s excellent. I don’t think we need to go any further with this interview. Can you start on Monday?”

A: “I can! I’ll be here first thing with my water skis.”