Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Warbo Roasts His Critics Alive

Good Afternoon.

The Clumpany has seen an early draft of an article likely to appear in one of tomorrow’s papers. In it, The Warbmeister attempts to demonstrate that he and his team are not overly-sensitive to criticism…


Warbo In “There’s Yer Dinner” Blast To His Critics

There were absolute scenes in the Warburton household at lunchtime yesterday, as the Rangers* manager savoured his Sunday roast. Obviously it wasn’t the sort of World Class meal he usually enjoys for breakfast at No-Longer-Murray Park. However, it had its own truly outstanding qualities on account of Warbo having made it himself.

Yes that’s right! As well as being a managerial genius and the man who put the ‘former’ into the phrase ‘former City trader’, it turns out that Mr Moan-a-thon can also serve up a spectacular Sunday lunch. And he feels that he has now proved a point to commentators who have previously criticised the patchy form of his home-cooked meals.

“I was more than irked by comments made about my roast” said Warburton, who was rumoured (for the purposes of adding a bit of edge to a lame article) to be taking a pop at former Celtic stars John Hartson and Chris Sutton. Both of whom have recently started wearing chefs’ hats and giving Warbo the V-sign off camera.

“It was the comments questioning the battling qualities of my potato-peeling and my desire for silky-smooth gravy, that got to me. Irked is a polite way of putting it.”

Licking the last of his hearty meal from the plate, a food-covered Warburton spoke of his pride in a well-cooked dinner.

“But I responded really well. Those sprouts answered so many questions that they could win Mastermind. A lot of nonsense has been written about my carrots. Those are top-drawer, technically-gifted carrots grown in allotments in places that no one has ever heard of, and which I got for free. They know the system I am trying to adopt, and showed great positioning on the plate. 

And the peas! They deserve the highest praise for their movement and ability to link up with a fork. It’s a beautiful thing to see”.

When asked to name the specific criticisms that had annoyed him, Warbo focused on accusations of adopting an inflexible approach:

“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed by the disrespectful comments I have heard about my performance in the kitchen. 

Plan A is to cook everything in the oven at Gas Mark 9. People say I should be flexible in my approach, and have a Plan B. Well I do have a Plan B. It’s to do Plan A better. If my roast lamb gets a bit overcooked, I simply put it back in the oven at Gas Mark 9 again, having reminded it that I am cooking on a big stage. This is Mark Warburton’s kitchen and I have the highest of standards”.

The interview was then terminated as the fire brigade entered the smoke-filled kitchen and forcibly evacuated everyone.