Media, Scottish Football

Dragging Football Out Of The Stone Age

Good Evening.

The Clumpany is beginning to wonder whether Kris Void’s column (in a ‘newspaper’ that I won’t name) is actually an elaborate stunt organised by Derek Johnstone.

Because Void’s column is so bad, so vacuous, so incoherent, so unconvincingly ‘controversial’ and so poorly ‘written’ that its only possible contribution to football punditry would be for DJ to mention it if the top brass at the Evening Shark-Jump and Clyde SSB are ever tempted to ditch the Rangers ‘legend’.

You can imagine the conversion:

Chief Shark-Jumper: “I’m sorry Derek, we need to let you go. Your punditry is from a different age, and… well… sh*te”.

DJ: “Aye, but I’m miles better than Kris Boyd. How can you fire me when he’s still employed by a newspaper?”.

Chief Shark-Jumper: “Good point DJ. Here’s a five-year extension to your contract”.

Whatever the case, Void’s frothing about Hearts possibly recruiting Ian Cathro – who was once ‘linked’ to the Sevco manager’s job – is a bona fide torrent of pish.

Just like a previous column of his which I politely dissected:

Kris Void Goes Limbo Dancing

I’ll leave you to find his latest column yourself, but Void’s chief complaints seem to be that Cathro 

  • was ‘quiet’ on the coaching course they both attended (perhaps he was simply straining to hear the instructors’ wisdom over the sound of Monster Munch being devoured?😉)
  • is young
  • likes ‘modern methods’
  • uses a laptop
  • doesn’t have a track record as a senior-level player; and 
  • may not have actually done that much as part of the Newcastle coaching staff (although Void doesn’t actually seem to know…).

In summary, it seems that Void simply doesn’t like the cut of Cathro’s jib (so perhaps Void IS a DJ media plant after all… 😉).

Cathro could be a really interesting appointment. 

It will be fascinating to see two such up-and-coming ‘modern’ managers as Cathro and Warbo sparring over who has the best ‘up-and-comingness’, and over who is so modern that they actually manage two months in the future. 

It is just a shame that hot prospect Ally McCoist isn’t still managing in Scottish football otherwise we could be about to witness the greatest test of managerial prospects since Sam Allardyce was given a multi-million pound contract to manage England for one game.

Oh well.

But away from the potential ‘battle of the managers’, I can hopefully look forward to Kris Void’s column expressing incredulity over the modern innovative methods that Cathro might bring to Hearts. Future bewildered columns could include:

  • “‘Jet In?’ That’s unlike any bird I have ever seen. Where are its feathers?” asks Kris Boyd as Cathro arrives at airport.
  • Kris Boyd: Cathro’s ‘not using square wheels on his car’ futuristic arrogance will be his downfall.
  • “It must be artificial! Why is it cut with a machine rather than a scythe?” asks Kris Boyd of Cathro’s Tynecastle pitch.
  • “How did he make fire? It must be witchcraft!” cries Boyd as Cathro is rumoured to have burned garden waste at new Edinburgh home.

I can hardly wait!


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