Media, Scottish Football, Sevco

Medical Breakthrough At Sevco


Good Evening.

It’s not often that The Clumpany ventures into the fields of science and medicine. I am generally content only to hear from the Clumpany laboratories when they have identified a new ‘nearly-but-not-quite-lethal’ mixer to go in my Buckie. It never ceases to amaze me how many varieties of super-strength bleach they have managed to come up with over the decades.

But today my attention was grabbed by news of some field trials of a new drug which have been taking place in Glasgow. 

And it was great news! About an unadulterated triumph for the Scottish scientific community.

If you thought that Alexander Fleming’s famous discovery was world-changing, you ain’t seen nothing yet. The team of modern-day Scottish experts have produced a veritable fountain pen when compared to his penicillin [*Gets coat*].

This drug, which was over four years in the making, does something which no one thought possible.

No, it doesn’t give Philippe Senderos the gift of speed. Nor does it provide some Sevco fans with a sense of self-awareness or a questioning nature where figures of authority are concerned. And it certainly can’t bring back the dead – so Dave King really will have to pull off a miracle in order to get Rangers out of liquidation as he previously suggested.

Nevertheless, this marvellous tincture is truly remarkable. Because it cures Sevco PR verbal diarrhoea.

Ever since 2012 the Sevco PR operation – including for its wannabe directors prior to 2015 – simply hasn’t shut up. [Yes that IS rich coming from me…]

There have been statements upon hilarious statements, press conferences and public commentary from the ‘Real Rangers* Men’, and masses of ‘encouraged’ coverage in the media, which has focused on every flush of every single toilet at the ‘club’.

It has been an awe-inspiring tidal wave of verbal diarrhoea which has washed over the nations of Scotland and Sevconia. And yes it HAS stunk. Badly.

But now all that is at an end thanks to a miracle cure from Scotland’s top medical researchers!

How do I know this?

Well what other reason could there possibly be for the uncharacteristic silence of the Sevco PR machine following today’s glorious AGM?

Just look at the ‘top table’ quietly leaving the AGM in what can only be described as a ‘sullen’ manner:

Dave King and Rangers board leave AGM

And what about the post-AGM press conference and interviews with the Chairman and other directors?

There were none. At all. Just a few words from The Warbmeister.

This new medicine is certainly effective! 

I must admit that I wondered what on Earth is in this new wonder drug, and so asked Clumpany scientists to obtain a few hints from its creators. They were understandably wary of sharing the precise details as there is potentially a lot of money to be made from miracle cures. However, they were prepared to suggest that some of the ingredients might include:

  • Over £10m of outstanding director loans.
  • A going concern warning in the accounts.
  • A retail deal that generates comparatively little money for the ‘club’.
  • Being a long way behind Celtic in the league.
  • Having no European football.
  • The imminent propsepct of litigation.

If true, that sounds like a potentially toxic combination. And if taken incorrectly, the drug from which it is made might kill a football club stone dead never mind just silence its PR operation. 😉

#KeepOnClumping


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