The Clumpany is about to send cases of Buckie to the sports desks of various Scottish newspapers.
From my own wine cellar!
This is not because of any particularly celebration-worthy event having occurred – we are talking about Scotland’s attempted newspapers after all! No, my generosity is simply intended to acknowledge their efforts and give them a boost during what must be one of the longest and toughest day’s work anyone has ever had to undertake anywhere in the entire history of humanity.
Shipyard workers, miners, sewage farm operatives, the person who had to count up Rangers’ debts… none of them could ever have endured a day quite as taxing as the one currently being experienced by the heroes who write the Scottish football pages.
Allow me to explain why I am in such awe of their Herculean efforts.
It is RIFC AGM day tomorrow, a huge day in the sporting and business calendars, as well as in the professional diaries of the Scottish sports media. The Holding Company of the Engine Room Subsidiary which manages the ethereal ‘club’ will tell its shareholders and media cheerleaders how well it is doing, and how it will put the first man on Pluto in the process of toppling Celtic from the top of the Premiership. And all while not saying anything specific about Sports Direct or the long-term funding of the ‘club’ [which can’t receive or spend money anyway as it has no legal personality…]
The AGM is a big deal! So big in fact that it would be hypocritical of me not to acknowledge that the Bampot Community will be practicing its rubbernecking skills and clutching its sides as it rolls about laughing all morning.
The preparation for the Massive Day is not easy for the intrepid press pack. Because – as we all know – they absolutely do not perform the role of cheerleaders on behalf of Sevco’s clearly non-existent PR operation. Nor would they ever dream of simply regurgitating a handed-down feelgood narrative designed to aggrandise Sevco and its ‘Real Rangers* Men’.
So the media lads will have had no choice today but to don their boiler suits and hard hats, and do some serious grafting to find interesting, stimulating stories for tomorrow’s newspapers.
And when that task is complete, they will have to sit at their desks for hours on end revising every single aspect of Sevco’s operation, its previous statements, and the various remarks of its Great Leaders. All with a view to asking them questions so sharp that I fear for any passing fruit which doesn’t want to be inadvertently sliced tomorrow.
I hope you will agree with me that this sort of industry and commitment deserves our support. So feel free to join me in sending the press pack a case of something refreshing to help them through this arduous time.
I will be despatching Buckie. Others may wish to courier-over wine, beer or spirits.
However, whatever you do, DO NOT send them any piss.
They’ll most probably be taking enough of that themselves on AGM day.