Following Celtic’s Champions League fixture against Barcelona, stand by for a spectacular piece of morale-boosting news for the Sevco faithful in one of tomorrow’s papers. I’ll leave you to guess which one.
Here is the article:
Magical Messi’s Ibrox Inspiration
Dave King’s Rangers* rebuild received the Messi seal of approval yesterday as the legend took a tour of Ibrox and marvelled at the magnificent stadium.
Despite having been previously rejected by the *Gers, Messi expressed his appreciation of the tactical genius of Mark Warburton and his exciting brand of attacking football which won silverware last season.
The hero also enjoyed an extended kickabout with the first team on the hallowed turf.
Andy Halliday remarked of the encounter “It was great to pick up some top tips on unlocking defences, although I’m not sure we needed them to be honest. This team can beat anyone on its day. We are Glasgow Rangers* and defeated Linfield 7-0. I’m not sure why Messi thought I would have a spare copy of Joey Barton’s book, though? Do I look like I would have a spare copy of Joey Barton’s book?”
Other squad members took the opportunity to pose for pictures with each other, and even allowed Messi to join in for a couple of them.
Messi then received a tour of the famous Ibrox corridors under the guidance of captain Lee Wallace who expressed regret that he was too late for the most important meal of the day. “I told him that if he wants to experience a real El Classico, he should try our breakfast buffet”, said Wallace. “It’s got cornflakes and… and… and… well it’s got cornflakes and things. It’s absolutely top-drawer. Which incidentally is where you can find the spoons.”
Messi then met board members at the top of the marble staircase and showed his class by respecting their request not to ask them any questions whatsoever. The final calong point on the whistle-stop tour was the trophy room, where Messi was disappointed to learn that the 12 European Cups were at the cleaners and so unavailable for viewing.
Having signed some autographs on pieces of paper which were definitely not cheques, the superstar was whisked away to continue his preparations for the Gers*’ eventual return to the Champions League by playing Celtic.
“It was a brilliant experience for everyone involved, especially Messi”, said a spokesman. “He learned what this club is all about, its big plans and its destiny to regain* its place at the top of Scottish football and then conquer the world as a precursor to taking over the entire galaxy. Now please remember to say that the board is doing a great job at least twice in the article. We’ve an AGM coming up.”
Sadly no pictures are available of Messi’s visit to Sevco, but our sources confirm that it was a truly historic, history-laden occasion in the long history of the club.
The Clumpany admits to being excited at the prospect of seeing this story in print, especially as I am EXCLUSIVELY able to bring you a picture of the esteemed visitor to Ibrox.
Here he is: