Media, Sevco

All Hail The Conquering King!

Good Evening.

More often than not it is he small things in the Scottish sports pages which most amuse The Clumpany.

Earlier this evening I had a good chuckle at a piece in the Evening Shark-Jump about the upcoming RIFC AGM. 

Club 1872 to back Rangers board resolutions at AGM

For those who don’t live on Planet Martin Williams, I should explain that RIFC is the holding company. Which is different to TRFC which is the Engine Room Subsidiary. The Engine Room Subsidiary runs the ‘club’. which – uniquely – for a senior football outfit under UEFA’s jurisdiction has no legal personality at all! That one-of-a-kind status is – of course – very handy as it means that ‘Rangers’ is liquidation-proof.

Ho ho ho ho ho! What a pile of bullsh*t!

But I digress. It’s the RIFC AGM later this week, and apparently Club 1872* have shocked the world by deciding to back all the Resolutions proposed by the board. 

Sadly, try as I might, I simply cannot find any Evening Shark-Jump articles about anyone who intends to vote against the Resolutions, or any pieces offering critical analysis of the pros and cons of each one.

Maybe I will find something tomorrow…

The real joy of the piece is in its liberally-deployed superfluous hyperbole, or ‘turd glitter’ as I like to call it.

Here are some samples of the piece.

“Gilligan and Murray joined King in the boardroom in March 2015 as they brought the power struggle to an end by ousting the former Gers regime.”

Power struggle? Ousting?

I must have missed the bit where the efforts to remove the previous board took on the appearance of several series of Game of Thrones or resembled the Iliad rather than that of a group of men finally putting their money where their collective mouth was and buying enough shares to take over.

Were siege engines and battering rams used in the ousting? Did Dave King and Paul Murray ride into battle on horseback and run Derek Llambias through with a lance?

I don’t seem to recall that happening.

“Friday’s shareholder summit will be the second that King has led following his rise to power alongside Gilligan and Murray.”

Summit? Is this AGM being convened by the United Nations?

Rise to power? Infamous dictators and legendary heroes ‘rise to power’? Unless the piece was going to reveal that Dave King was wearing a jetpack on EGM day in March 2015, or is Alexander The Great in a really unconvincing disguise, I feel that the phrase ‘rise to power’ is rather overstating the facts of the matter.

“And the Gers* board can count on the votes of the fans as they present their vision for the future at Ibrox.”

Vision?! Are the board going to smoke hallucinogenic drugs and wibble about their visions of the future? Are they going to get some animal entrails and tell us all about what lies in store for Sevco? Or will Dave King and co simply regurgitate a number of predictable soundbites about ‘rebuilding’, ‘investing’ and errr… getting the better of Celtic.

It’s all faintly ridiculous. Which is just as well for The Warbmeister:

“Mark Warburton could face probes over his summer signing strategy and the performance of his side in the Premiership this term.”

Probes?! That sounds painful…

“Please! Anything but the probes!”


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