You may have missed it, but a major international crisis was narrowly averted prior to the Bampots’ Curfew last night, and I am ashamed to admit that it originated from inside Clumpany Towers. As you know, The Clumpany exists to promote peace and harmony by
- laughing at Sevco calamity,
- mocking the fawning media; and
- calling for justice and reformed governance in Scottish football.
And all while working within the constraints of the Clumping Time Directive,
So it is a matter of considerable regret that the universe came perilously close to utter destruction at my hand, and that some folk were left absolutely frightened out of their wits.
Thankfully the apocalypse did not actually occur and we all managed to sleep safe in our beds confident that both the sun and Sevco’s debt levels would rise this morning. However, I take my obligations towards the survival of creation very seriously and have commissioned a thorough investigation into last night’s near miss.
I suspect that some of you are wondering what could possibly have happened to nearly bring an end to life, the universe and everything.
Well, allow me to share the full horror with you:
Yes that’s right folks. I nearly Retweeted something! However, I didn’t ultimately press the button.
Nevertheless, no stone will be left unturned in reviewing how this outrage so nearly came to pass. Especially as there was another (hitherto-unreported) near miss a few months ago:
Please rest assured that I will be seeking the most severe sanctions against myself for using Twitter and recklessly engaging with its evil, hidden ‘Retweeting’ functionality…
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go and investigate rumours that Twitter also has a secret and highly dangerous ‘like’ button which I absolutely must not press.
#KeepOnClumping [But not Retweeting…]