Celtic, Scottish Football, Sevco

The Snake Aid Scandal

Kneel before your reptilian Overlord!

Good Evening.

So, Celtic didn’t receive any State Aid from Glasgow City Council. Who could have predicted that an elaborate conspiracy involving multiple agencies, land, gold mines, a dinosaur-breeding farm, and aliens from the planet Fruitcake would turn out to be untrue?!

Still, at least the public purse isn’t now so depleted from dealing with this nonsense that it is now standing outside Ibrox hoping to get advice on how to obtain a soft loan at a reasonable rate…

Personally, I am outraged that the Celtic board hasn’t tendered its resignation after paying over the odds for land. What’s the point of being the football equivalent of Spectre if you can’t get a few acres at mates’ rates?! It’s shocking stuff.

But what next for the folk who have to believe that Celtic are corrupt and heading for a sticky end in order to get through the day? Well, allow me to suggest some new potential lines of enquiry that they might like to pursue:

Snake Aid – Peter Lawwell is part of an ancient reptilian elite who have fixed the Scottish Premiership for the last five years and are determined to deliver ten-in-a-row.

Steak Bake Aid – Ally McCoist was the ultimate Timposter, and deliberately got Rangers knocked out of Europe in 2011 so that they would go bust.

Corn Flake Aid – Celtic plan to tamper with the world class breakfasts at Sevco by replacing the cereal with a supermarket ‘own brand’ version.

Fake Aid – Celtic’s wicked plan to make themselves look good by getting their fans to say it’s not the real Gers playing at Ibrox.

Cake Aid – I’ve done the Ally McCoist joke already.

Shake Aid – There isn’t just protein in those drinks. There is special nanotechnology which turns Celtic players into relentless cyborgs. It’s cheating Timmy!

Brake Aid – The Sevco Superbus went up in flames while Celtic agents were tampering with it.

Rake Aid – Yes it’s an Ally McCoist ‘gardener’ joke…

Wake Aid – Celtic’s dastardly plans to give Sevco sleepless night with their disgraceful Co-op loan-funded spending.

Lake Aid – Celtic get their water for free via illegal pipes from Cumbria. [Hey, at least it’s not from a church!]

Quake Aid – Celtic interfered with the Earth’s crust and now the Ibrox roof needs expensive repairs. They’ll do anything to get a financial advantage…

That should keep the more ‘committed’ Sevco fans occupied for a while…