Having looked through today’s Evening Shark-Jump, The Clumpany is concerned that someone in the Sevco PR industry is in imminent danger of developing a severe case of turd-polishers’ elbow.
My worries are based upon a piece about Sevco’s summer-spectacular, bank-busting, transfer triumph Joe Garner, a man who has done more for the cause of Olympic-standard diving in Scotland this season than the noble art of goalscoring.
With the going-concern-tastic Sevco having ‘splashed’ ‘£1.8m’ on the ‘striker’, even the World’s Greatest Attempted Newspaper can’t help but wonder when Garner might finally ‘come good’.
But don’t worry! It’s all going to be fine. No really, he’s going to start scoring and then be really impressive. Because he once struggled to hit the net at another ‘club’. And then started scoring. And all was well.
He just needs time.
And how do we know this? Because the Evening Shark-Jump… errr… has obtained some comments from “former [Preston] striker Neil Mellor [who] saw Garner in action for the Lilywhites as part of his media work covering the Football League.”.
Well that’s me convinced! Here are some quotes from the piece:
He is confident that Rangers* and Warburton will be rewarded in time by the 28-year-old as he looks to start firing on all cylinders at Ibrox.
“I can reassure Rangers fans of Joe Garner’s quality,” Mellor told SportTimes. “It took him 18 games before he got his first goal for Preston. As soon as he got going, he adjusted and he settled into life at the club that was him off and running.
There was pressure because he was a Preston fan growing up and now there is a different pressure going up to Rangers* and playing for a huge football club. Once he feels part of it, he will be a huge player for Rangers*, but you have to give him time.
It is not often you get time in football, either as a manager or a player, but if the patience and persistence is there I believe that Joe will certainly deliver goals in a Rangers shirt, as he did in a Preston shirt.”
“It took him a while to get going but after that his record was second to none and he scored regularly. There was that initial period of settling in and for whatever reason it took him a while to get going but once he did he was flying.”
“He is not one of the biggest lads but his commitment and aggression is infectious to other players in the team as well. He is fair with that aggression and if the players see it they think ‘well, if Joe is at it then I need to be at it as well’.
That can spread throughout the team. I felt he was a catalyst at Preston because of his work rate. A lot of young players that come through these days miss that commitment and the aggression. That is one of Joe’s main strengths.”
“His goal record was slow at Preston to begin with but once he got going, the patience that Simon Grayson showed in him was rewarded and Joe produced the goods to get them promoted. Rangers want to be competing at the top end of the league and want to win the title again.
If the manager is patient, if the fans are patient, then I believe that Joe will deliver. He is adjusting to a new league, a new style of football but he must be loving it up there with the huge fan base that Rangers have.
There are a lot of players in England that look up at Scotland, look at Rangers and Celtic and the rivalry and look at the potential to play in Europe as well, which is a huge enticement for a lot of players. I am sure Joe is no different in that respect.”
Isn’t that wonderfully soothing? £1.8m worth of comfort blanket! It seems that any day now the lad is going to start scoring like Messi. Or – if Sevco’s luck is REALLY in – like Moussa Dembele.
Keep your eye on the Evening Shark-Jump for further exciting tidings as their top analysts exclusively release the following squirrels:
Tea-leaf readers predict Joe Garner will score a hatful of goals while asking “where’s the coffee machine gone? And where is Joey Barton?”
Nostradamus foretold that Joe Garner was so good that he would keep scoring hat-tricks beyond the end of the world!
Joe Garner to be first man on Mars as part of Gers* Champions League-winning goal celebration.
World poverty set to be eradicated as experts confirm Millennium Goals are synonymous with Joe Garner strikes!
Energy crisis over! Scientists confirm cold fusion and Gers* three points will be achieved via a cool Joe Garner finish.
What a player (he might be, at some point…)!