Media, Scottish Football, Sevco

The Kris Boyd Crisis


Good Evening.

Early this morning a fleet of speedboats carrying waterskis was despatched to pick up the staff of the World’s Greatest Attempted Newspaper for an emergency meeting. Naturally, the staff headed into the office via shark-infested waters and implausibly tried to leap over them with grace that matched the quality of their writing. 

Yes, that’s right, they had to be rescued by Roy Scheider… 😉


Upon arrival at the office they headed straight into the Shark-Jump incident room and received a briefing from the top brass. A state of SEVCON 1 was immediately declared.

The cause of this drama was the truly extraordinary ‘article’ by Kris ‘Barn Doors Are Safe When I Play’ Boyd, which many of you have already seen in the Scottish S*n today.

If you haven’t read it, here are screenshots of the main ‘points’ he made:


On the one hand you have to salute Boyd for providing definitive evidence of the dangers of smoking Monster Munch. Let us hope that future generations take note of it. But on the other, you can’t help but feel a sense of outrage at the utterly insulting bullsh*t he has spouted.

Twitter has already deconstructed every lumbering syllable of the piece, so I won’t go over all of its wibbling details. And I won’t dwell on how Scotland was failing to qualify for tournaments long before Rangers drove themselves off a cliff via a spree of overspending which seems to have damanged the domestic game and player development.

Suffice it to say that there isn’t a flicker of acceptance on Boyd’s part that rule-breaking, creditor-stiffing dead RFC did anything wrong, or that having an actual ‘sport’ conducted on a level playing field with rules and consequences matters

It stinks.

Pontificating Boyd had a £215,000 EBT, and his article helps to remind us of the hypocritical revisionist nonsense that often passes for commentary in the Scottish mainstream sports media. A media which will generally flee to the hills if anyone mentions the issues raised by Resolution 12, the LNS farce, the Offshore Game report, or their cowardly unwillingness to repeat the truth about liquidation which they once splashed all over their front pages.

We all know that everything which happened to Rangers was their own fault. They were not kicked when they were down. Even if anyone wanted to kick them, it would have been impossible given that they were locked away in the corporate mortuary. Sevco Scotland – proud owners of the basket of Rangers’ assets – were damned lucky to be fast-tracked into senior football at any level whatsoever, and they owe the rest of the game a huge debt of gratitude. 

Boyd is talking crap of the highest order, and anyone with an ounce of intelligence who doesn’t want to delude themselves with fantasy knows it!

Dear me…

But back to the crisis at the Evening Shark-Jump… I understand that the panic button was pressed because Boyd’s article was so ridiculous and spectacularly pandering to Sevconian revisionism that folk fear it can never be topped. 

It is as if the ESJ held four aces in a game of poker and the Scottish S*n unexpectedly laid down a royal flush to blow them away*. It must feel like a complete humiliation to see their industry-leading Ibrox fawning bettered like that. 😉

I understand that SEVCON 1 has now resulted in the setting up of ‘Operation Extreme Pish’,  which has a single goal: to somehow make Kris Boyd’s article look like the observations of a serious commentator, and thereby get the ESJ back to its rightful position as Sevco’s preeminent panderer.

By the time they have finished, Sevco fans will have 

  • read extensive player reminiscences about the “same club’s” twelve European Cup triumphs,
  • enjoyed a pull-out supplement on Rangers’ celebrated 21-in-a-row, 
  • delighted in reading favourable comments about Rangers’ exemplary bill-paying from Hector the Taxman; and 
  • given away free tickets for the opening of the super casino and hoverpitch at Ibrox…

This is going to be spectacular stuff!

[* NB you may think that you have spotted a mistake in the above piece. In a game of poker it should be impossible for a royal flush to beat four aces in a single hand, as that would require the pack of cards to somehow contain five aces… In fact it would look like someone is cheating. 

However, I am sure that the ESJ and Scottish S*n would agree that in the event of those two hands being played simultaneously there would be absolutely no problem whatsoever. After all, the hand would have been ‘won on the table’, and everyone should therefore just ‘move on’.

#KeepOnClumping

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