Most of the alarms are currently sounding in Clumpany Towers on account of a grave crisis which is about to sweep through Scotland and the ether.
Readers are advised to head to the highest place that they can find. If you can’t get to the top of a mountain, I strongly recommend you find the next-best alternative, be it on the roof of your house, up a tree, atop a cone on the Wellington statue, or standing on a pizza or credit card. It doesn’t matter, just make yourself as safe as you can!
Because the mother of all tidal waves is coming YOUR way.
Any moment now.
Yes that’s right folks. Having got Joey Barton off their wage bill, Sevco are about to unleash a tsunami of freed-up cash which will wash through Scottish football and destroy everything in its path!
Especially the ‘haters’.
The terrifying wall of rampaging liquidity will ultimately hit the January transfer window and shatter our perceptions of what ‘big spending’ actually looks like.
This awesome spectacle will be covered in great lurid detail by the Scottish football hacks over the coming weeks and will shower you with tales of Galacticos and ‘late charges for the title’. Be afraid everybody, and don’t come down from your place of safety until the all-clear has been sounded by Sky Sports News at the end of the transfer window.
Complacency is your enemy in this emergency situation. Do not stop to check whether it is a false alarm. Sevco have clearly got Joey Barton off the wage bill in a favourable settlement which does not involve paying up his contract in full.