This morning the Daily Record startled its reader with the news that they had access to information about the treatment and health of an employee in Scotland who recently went through a ‘disciplinary process’.
In many ways the fact that the employee is a professional footballer called ‘Joey Barton’ and that his employer is Sevco is utterly irrelevant. The fact that sensitive and personal information of any sort was in the public domain was extremely eye-catching. And troubling. Because no matter how it found its way into the media, it doesn’t seem right. I can’t imagine that any employee in any walk of life would be too happy to find this kind of ‘intrusive’ detail about themselves plastered across a newspaper.
Stress (which is what the Record and numerous others have said is the reason for Barton being signed off work) is an illness, and like all other illnesses it ought not to be bandied around in the name of infotainment. And as for the lurid details of Barton being ‘frogmarched’ by security staff to empty his locker… well you have to question the motives of those spreading the story. [NB we don’t know who they are].
However, in amongst the serious issues, there was a notable bit of amusing detail. Apparently Joey Barton has removed the coffee maker he had bought for Sevco’s first team dining room.
Given that Sevco is an institution renowned for the World Class standard of its breakfasts, you would have thought there would be no need for a player to provide coffee-making facilities for the team. And given that the amazing corridors are undoubtedly best-enjoyed with your senses heightened by the buzz of caffeine you would have naturally expected Sevco to already provide as much coffee as anyone could drink.
Nevertheless, it appears that Barton bought a ‘top of the range’ coffee machine for the first team to use. Which was nice. While it lasted.
It struck me that he may now wish to sell the second-hand item to raise a few quid for charity. And what better way to do so than at a carboot sale during one of his non-playing weekends. Clearly one item does not a car boot sale make, so The Clumpany wondered what else Barton might have available to sell from his Sevco sojourn.
Following a few imaginary phone calls to trusted sources, I believe the following may soon be available:
- A Sevco-branded ‘goal celebration routine’ planning book [Unused].
- Exclusive limited-edition photographs of the inside of Scott Brown’s back pocket.
- A beach ball, as kicked into the Sevco goal during Celtic’s 5-1 victory [Deflated].
- Grapes taken directly from the World Class breakfast buffet [Sour].
- Book titled ‘Playing the Flute for Beginners’ [Northern Ireland edition. Used once].
- Three tons of commemorative nutmeg sent by Hamilton fans following the opening game of the season.
- Copies of Daily Record and Evening Shark-Jump articles proclaiming Sevco’s signing of Barton as the Signing of the Decade [Reduced price owing to bullsh*t stains].
- An assortment of Scottish Player of the Year 2016-17 trophies [Unused].
- First draft of Barton’s unauthorised biography of The Warbmeister: “Excellence in Football Management” [Blank].
I don’t know about you but I think this could be the sale of the century!
At least until Sevco hold a fire sale to lower their wage bill…