Media, Scottish Football, Sevco

The Sevco Breakfast Crisis

Mmmm Corn Flakes…

Good Morning. [And please ‘vote Clumpany’ on Twitter and the FBA website by 28 October!]

Regular readers will recall the hilarity which ensued when Lee Wallace – the first footballer to be made entirely of grass – waxed lyrical (and without any rehearsal) about the top quality doors, the awesome corridors and the world class breakfast at Sevco.

Whether Sevco might be better served focusing on delivering top quality transfer budgets, awesome tactics and world class football at Ibrox and no-longer-Murray Park is a moot point. However, Sevco have chosen their fields of excellence and they presumably see no reason to reprioritise. 

After all, there is no big gap between them and the Scottish champions, is there? Because we have been told that over and over again since Celtic battered the new club for the second time this season on Sunday.

However, even Sevco’s strongest point might not be as robust as we have been led to believe. Word reaches Clumpany Towers that there has been a problem with the hitherto jaw-droppingly brilliant breakfast at no-longer Murray Park, and the Sevco spin machine has consequently gone into overdrive…

Apparently one of the Sevco Geriatricos asked for Corn Flakes this morning and was informed that owing to supplier problems only Rice Krispies were available. A barroom-style brawl allegedly ensued, accompanied by a soundtrack of sloshing milk and snaps, crackles and pops. At the height of the indigent, a panicked call was made to Sevco high command asking for a (quite literal) mopping-up operation to be put in place. 

But instead of a director with cleaning tools and products, a PR professional arrived to straighten things out. And the milky, mushy mess was left to fester, as the most important priorities were addressed.

The players and staff were lined up outside and given clear unambiguous instructions that this morning’s incident DID NOT HAPPEN. The fearful gibbering throng were also informed that the ‘lines to take’ in response to ANY media questions are as follows: 

  • no-longer-Murray Park has the world’s biggest and best supply of Corn Flakes;
  • every player and staff member eats heartily of Corn Flakes every day, often three times a day;
  • Sevco’s excellence in Corn Flakes will play a key role in closing the non-existent gap with Celtic, and will stand them in good stead when they qualify for the Champions League; and
  • Dave King’s family have gone without breakfast since March 2015 as he has selflessly invested Corn Flakes into the club.

One brave soul asked the PR professional what he should say in interviews if he still had Rice Krispies stuck in his hair – as seemed likely given the ferocity of the breakfast time brawl. Following an excruciating silence, he was told to simply insist that it was an ‘innovative Cornflake, and yet another product of the no-longer-Murray Park conveyor belt of wonders’.

Clumpaneers are encouraged to look out for interviews with Sevco’s players over the coming days. We can expect to hear about Cornflakes being a key part of Warbo’s tactics and tactical master plan, and about how the no-longer-Murray Park Corn Flakes are performing so well that they are bound to get an international call-up.




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  • Completing the form on the FBA website by clicking here and selecting ‘The Clumpany’ from the appropriate drop-down menu.
  • On twitter, by clicking here.

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Many thanks!

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