Good Evening. [And please ‘vote Clumpany’ on Twitter and the FBA website by 28 October!]
Fans of Sevco FC are famous for their imagination. Some dream up elaborate conspiracy theories to explain away the very simple fact that their first Club died at its own hand. Others concoct epic fantasies to persuade themselves that Celtic’s financial and on-pitch success is built on shaky foundations and will come crashing down at any moment. Large numbers imagine that Rangers didn’t incorporate in 1899 and so did not enter liquidation in 2012. These leads them to conclude that their current ‘club’ is ‘Going for 55’.
A good proportion of the 500 million even have imaginative nostrils with which they can apparently ‘smell the fear’. And as if that wasn’t impressive enough, I have even witnessed some of them stretching their creative faculties as far as concluding that the Evening Shark-Jump contains good coverage of Scottish football!
You have to admit that this is impressive stuff. So impressive in fact, that someone should perhaps distill the imaginative outpourings into a book.
However, there is one area in which a significant number of Sevco fans have absolutely no imagination whatsoever.
Whenever times get tough, particularly (but not exclusively) on the pitch, there is only one response:
Call the Cardigan!
The knitwear equivalent of the Bat Signal is deployed and then folk sit and await salvation.
You might think that a cardigan might not be the best sartorial choice for Sevconians given their current predicament. A life jacket might seem appropriate for any water-related difficulties😉, and Ally McCoist’s special patented gardening gloves will always come in handy, especially if dealing with a̶ grass.
A hard hat is practically a ‘must-have’ accessory this season given the rumours about the Ibrox roof, and ear defenders won’t go amiss given the Billy Boys’ frequent assaults on the ear drums. What’s more, given the quality of Sevco’s back line, the ear defenders might actually get a game…
Sadly, none of these items of clothing are ever considered when trouble is brewing in Sevconia. Instead, the call always goes out for the Cardigan to step up like a really dour King Arthur returning to save the King-dom. And so it was today:
I have lost count of how many times someone has suggested that things might be better if only Walter Smith ‘returned’ to Rangers*. Having returned to the actual Rangers for a second stint and delivered ‘success’ of a sort almost immediately prior to their death, he seems to be viewed as the perpetual ‘waiting in the wings’ saviour.
Smith did of course join the Sevco party for a brief stint as RIFC Chairman when his public comments about not really having business experience failed to impress. And his later remarks about Rangers* not being somewhere where financial common sense applies were truly jaw-dropping, given the humiliating way in which the 1872 version of the ‘club’ ultimately met its maker.
All things considered, I think I have to agree with the Cardigan-yearning wing of Sevco fandom. I can’t think of anyone better-suited to be Sevco manager at this juncture. A man who won trophies with the help of a very generous chequebook funded by money which wasn’t all repaid, and whose teams sometimes benefited from the dubious combination of EBTs and side-letters.
Without these not-conferring-a-sporting-advantage resources available to him, a Walter Smith side would probably be the most entertaining he has ever turned out at Ibrox.
Although that’s not saying very much…
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