Good Evening. [And please ‘vote Clumpany’ on Twitter and the FBA website!]
The Clumpany was intrigued earlier this week to see a new book being promoted about the Sevco ‘Journey’. That calamity-filled jaunt from basket of assets to Premiership via the Perpetual Failure Cup, Cammy Bell’s glorious goalkeeping and Hibs’ memorable Scottish Cup win.
You may have spotted Ian Durrant promoting it in various newspapers earlier this week. Apparently there was a good Level of PR effort put into making that happen.
I was quite taken by the summary of its contents, which were provided online here:
“Demoted to the lowest league in the land, this is the story of how our club picked itself up off the canvas and fought back.
With the incredible backing of an army of fans, this great sporting institution wasn’t about to remain grounded for any length of time. A remarkable story – in words and pictures – of The Journey back to the top. This is a top-quality product – 192 pages bound in a hardback A4 format landscape book – perfect for any coffee table!
In Glasgow Rangers: The Journey you will discover:
– How the club’s fervent fan base took the fight to the football authorities;
– How Rangers legend Ally McCoist held the club together with a sticking plaster;
– How Rangers played a Scottish Cup tie while a farmer delivered hay on his tractor;
– Which pies are unofficially the best in Scottish football;
– How Historic Scotland closed iconic Dumbarton Castle so Rangers fans couldn’t watch their team free of charge;
– How play was suspended in one match when a ball got stuck on top of the club’s hedge;
– And just how close the mighty Rangers came to going out of the game.”
Regular readers will know that The Clumpany occasionally gets hold of entirely made-up transcripts of meetings and press conferences, and fictitious alternative drafts of documents.
Today is one of those days!
Here is an alleged ‘original’ version of the above blurb, which sadly never made it into print…
“Demoted to the lowest freezer cabinet in the corporate mortuary, this is the fairy tale of how our ‘club’ became an ethereal entity devoid of its historic holding company, picked the most laughable bullsh*t ‘survival myth’ you could ever dream up, and ran with it with the dignity of someone fleeing the taxman and 275 other besmirched creditors.
With the lacklustre backing of a few bedsheet-holding fans and some others who were happy to wave red cards and stand idly by while Rangers died, this great continuing figment of our imagination wasn’t about to remain grounded for any length of time. Even though it was actually going into the ground at a depth of six feet.
This is the remarkable story – in words and (for those who don’t do ‘letters’) pictures – of ‘The Journey’ to the heights of liquidation-denying fantasy. This is top-quality wilful delusion – 1872 pages compressed into four, and is bound to appeal to the hard-of-thinking with its ‘pop-up’ format. Perfect for any coffee table, whether to steady a wobble by supporting a leg, or to use in wiping up spillages.
In ‘Sevco Scotland [Or is it ‘Sevco 5088′?]: The Journey’ you will discover:
– How the “club’s” fervent fan base took the fight to the football authorities on a day they were closed, and then went home;
– How Rangers legend Ally McCoist held the club together with a large salary and the assistance of his good friend Penny Share 😉;
– How Sevco played a Scottish Cup tie with a midfield which spread passes like a farmer spreads manure.
– Which (liquidation) lies are unofficially the best in Scottish football;
– How Historic Scotland closed iconic Dumbarton Castle to Sevco fans. The fans didn’t have any history of their own, and Historic Scotland were in no mood to share theirs for free. Not when history can apparently be bought and sold;
– How play was suspended in one match when a fan got stuck on the top note of ‘The Billy Boys’;
– And just how close the mighty Rangers came to surviving in 2012. This section features a completely blank picture taken by the Hubble Telescope, and sound effects provided by the Laughing Policeman.”
Personally, I would have been quite tempted to buy a book with that sort of promotional blurb! However, I fear the chances of it being featured in the Scottish press would be about as likely as the Evening Shark-Jump asking me to write a regular column…
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